When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
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