Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.