I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive