A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.