Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!