What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.