Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.