Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.