If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”