Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.