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When I Was Younger...

When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less. I needn’t hold my tummy in To wear a belted dress. But now that I am older, I’ve set my body free; There’s the comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be. The inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven I have to wear a size nine now, But I used to wear a seven. And how about those pantyhose They’re sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees? I need to wear these glasses. As the prints were getting smaller; And it wasn’t very long ago I know that I was taller. Though my hair has turned to silver And my skin no longer fits, and the outside, I’m not what I used to be. But here on the inside, I’m still the same old me!

There's No Joke Like a Senior Joke!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over. -------------------------- I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'! -------------------------- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. -------------------------- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat until the wrinkles fill out. -------------------------- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license! -------------------------- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''

Little Johnny and the Alligator

So one day, Grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Stupidity and Foolishness Quotes

Where Are You Going, Missy?

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager yells back: "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She lets her grandmother know that she has friends coming over shortly, and that it's just not appropriate... The grandmother says: "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

The Teacher Finds the Right Words to Say

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. She thought for a minute about what to say with him, then came up with what she thought was the perfect solution. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Just as the teacher had paused, Johnny also paused to think about his response. He replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Canadian Pick Up Lines

A Blond Calls 911

A blond dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes." Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blond is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blond, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Coffee Puns

Football Puns

Mango Puns

Dad Jokes

Nuts Puns

The Boot Size

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered." Said the woman. "Just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

The 2.99 Special

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet..God willing, someday you will be.- the 2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

Travel Pick Up Lines

The Almost-Perfect Suit

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." "Weird," the tailor said, "who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

The Cat Poem

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, and sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, and someone nice to scratch my back, for windowsills all warm and bright, for shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay cool, and keep the secret feline rule, to never tell a human that the world is really ruled by cats!

Water Puns

Snake Puns

Dolphin Puns

Horse Puns

Never Underestimate a Senior

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Onlookers were completely shocked at the men's behavior, but the old man didn't seem to be fazed in the slightest. Without a word of protest, he quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Mummy Puns

Two Boys See a Naked Woman

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises. He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam. So, both boys decided to stay and watch her. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away. The second boy said to his friend, "My mum told me that if I ever saw a naked lady, I’d turn to stone.” "I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Monster Puns

One Liners for Kids

A Good Deed

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

The Genie, the Jackass and the Honeycomb

A little person brings in a jackass and a honeycomb into a little hotel. The manager asked, "what can we do for you?" He said, "I need a room, as my wife threw me out." The manager asked "That's sad. Whatever for? And, excuse my curiosity, why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?" "Well," the little guy answered, "my woman stumbled upon a genie in a bottle, and he granted her 3 wishes. The first was to have the nicest ass in the land, so he gave her this jackass. Her second wish was for a 'house fit for a queen', so he gave her this beehive." The manager asked, "And what of the third wish?" "For her third wish, my woman asked the genie to make my penis hang down past my knee." "Well, that one's not so bad!" the manager exclaimed. "'Not so bad!?', he replied, "I used to be 6 feet tall!"

Just Kept Walking

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open-air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. "Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

How to Avoid Fatherhood

A pretty blond woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. 5 years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about 5 years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah", says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Then let's take these bloody things off!"

Giraffe Puns

That Little Pill

A senior couple decides to try Viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together. In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

The Exotic Breakfast

A man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry. He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, "Try our Exotic Breakfast now" so he walks in and sits down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks what he wants. The man asks, "What's your Exotic Breakfast?" "Baked tongue of chicken," she proudly replies The man shouts, "Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I'd never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth! Urrghhh!!" The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, "No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?" The man says, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."

How to Answer Politely

My wife has a tendency to go off on random tangents sometimes. In her atypical fashion, she decided that we both needed to get fit, so off we went on a backpacking holiday. After eight days on a series of trails in the wilderness, my wife and I both started to look a little rough around the edges. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder-length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a cow?" I thought for a moment, then said: "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

The Married Couple and the Gorilla

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door. "Now Tell him you have a headache."

Birthday Jokes

Easter Puns

Fly Puns

Book Puns

Hard to Hear

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. And do you know what?" "What?" asked the doctor. "I've changed my will three times!"

A Dr. Seuss Poem For Seniors

I cannot see I cannot pee I cannot chew I cannot screw. My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell. How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before the year's grown, my goodness, how the time has flown. The Golden Years have come at last The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

Cow Puns

Funny Tongue Twisters

A Senior in Court

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

10 More Hilarious Murphy's Laws

Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Edict - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced marmalade sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet. The Conundrum of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Rule of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. Will's favourite! Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. Will and Guy's Law - If you don't save things on your computer you will, sooner rather than later, delete them.

The Newlyweds, the Trousers and the Panties

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them to go as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

Yeti/ Bigfoot Puns

Tableware Puns

The Nip Slip in the Swimming Pool

A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom. That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life. When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

The Prison Numbers

A man is sent to prison for the first time. The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing. "Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?" "Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it." Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?" "You didn't tell it right."

The Wise Decision

Johan and Eric, two computer geeks with little social experience, ran into each other at the college entrance. "That's a great bike you have there! What made you get it?" Eric asked Johan. Johan got off the bike, removed his helmet and responded: "I didn't purchase it, Andrea gave it to me as a gift." "As a GIFT?!" Eric exclaimed in surprise, "I always knew she was into you, but this is taking it to a whole new level!" Johan smiled and told him: "Yesterday I was strolling in the park and I saw Andrea on this bike. She came to me without saying anything, tossed the bike aside, then took off all her clothes and said 'Take whatever you want!'" Eric's jaw was hanging loose. "So, I took the bike." Johan finished. Eric nodded in agreement and stated: "Good decision, her clothes wouldn't fit you."

Dog-Themed Pick Up Lines

Band Puns

Pick Up Lines

Feeling Like a Baby

Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other: “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?” Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.” “No kidding! Like a brand new baby?” “Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

A Senior Customer

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "But I won't be able to..." "C'mon man.... give it a try... " She says. Old man says okay. They go in. The moment they get to the bed, the old timer becomes a machine and makes passionate love to her an hour straight. When he's done, the prostitute catches her breath. Exhausted and tired she says, "But you said you won't be able to...." "...pay you." completed the old man.

Hand Puns

The Balloon Family

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon. Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself. The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down."

Hockey Puns

Shopping for a Psychic

In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc. One day, she went to shop for clothes. After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things. "Sure." Said the psychic, and the girl went to get her dresses. When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow. "There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!" "I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you." "Nope. No way." said the psychic. "How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl. "Trust me," said the psychic, "I'm a medium."

Koala Puns

The 13 Funniest Things Said During a Colonoscopy

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!' 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Turkey, we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Squirrel Puns

An Old Canadian in Paris

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show it to."

Two Nerds and a Racing Bike

Two nerdy male students meet on campus one day. One of them notices that the other is on a shiny new racing bike. He calls out to the other: "Hey -- nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Dinosaur Puns

The Overcrowded Bus

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus."

Cheese Puns

New Years Resolutions People Actually Keep

New Years Resolutions People Actually Keep: Read less. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store. Stop exercising. Waste of time. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. Watch less T.V. on the small screen and buy a bigger one. Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser. Watch more movie remakes. Procrastinate more. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. I will become a vegan for a day and subsequently learn that it was a missed steak. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. Drink. Drink some more. Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials. Start being superstitious. Spend more time at work. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

The Best Senior Games

Lately there has been talk about inventing some more fun games for seniors. After all, we're the ones with all the free time! Some suggestions: Sag, You’re it. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. Questions Shouted into your Good Ear. Kick the Bucket. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over. Doc, Doc Goose. Simon Says Something Incoherent. Hide and Go Pee Spin the Bottle of Mylanta and last but not least - A Fun round of Musical Recliners!

Clothes Pick Up Lines

It's Not Easy Finding a Job...

At my first job I was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because I got tired of the same old grind. Then, I tried being a chef - I figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. Next, I tried working in a deli, but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was as a musician, but I eventually found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied for a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next up was a job in a shoe factory - I tried hard, but I just didn't fit in. After that, I became a fisherman, but I discovered I couldn't live on my net income. Next, I managed to get a job at a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining. So after that I got a job at a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but I realized there was no future in it. My last job was when I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. So, I tried retirement! And I Found I'm PERFECT For the Job!

Calling the Doctor

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied: "I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS."

No Way, Warden!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. "Gosh, I'd really like to help you..." He told the warden, "but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"

Pineapple Puns

God and the Lazy Pigs

God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?" One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the other one says, "Nah, who wants to be courageous? You have to strut around, humans will start hunting you, it's a huge pain. Let's wait." The lions speak up and take the courage. "Next up, industrious! Who wants to be known for being industrious?" The pig says, "Hey, we could definitely be that. Make stuff, stay busy, it sounds good!" The other pig says, "Are you crazy? Get up at dawn, work all day, who wants that? I'm sure God saved the best for last." The beavers pipe up and take industriousness, so God goes back to his list. "Next up, we have wings, who wants to fly?" The first pig says: "Wow, we've got to get THAT one! We could fly all day?" The second pig says: "Exactly, fly around all day, beat your wings all the time? That sounds exhausting, you'd have to fly for hours beating your wings like mad to stay aloft. No thank you! Let's wait for the really good stuff." God looks at his list, getting to the end. "Let's see, claws are taken, flight went to the birds, the cheetah got speed... Okay, here we go. Who wants to be delicious?"

Upholding Standards

It was the beginning of a new academic year at the college, and the freshmen were beginning to arrive. The job of introducing the newcomers to their new surroundings belonged to the Dean of Women. During the opening speech of the lecture, the Dean saw fit to bring up the subject of sexual morality, in line with the college's conservative values. She asked the freshmen: "In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" The freshmen half-heartedly muttered in agreement, and the lecture went on without interruption. At the end of the lecture, the Dean decided to ask the freshmen if they had any questions. One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said: "How do you make it last for a whole hour??"

4th of July Pick Up Lines

Being Senior Can Be a Funny Thing...

Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions: Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest! Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. Old printers never die, they're just not the type. Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding. Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip. Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. Old actors never die, they just drop apart. -------------------------------------- Three old guys were out walking. First one said, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!" -------------------------------------- Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

Why Do I Have to Stay There?

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who welcomed him warmly and told him he will be taken to his forever heavenly dwelling. He then led him down the streets of gold. They passed castle after fantastic castle, then huge mansion after mansion, then beautiful cottages, until they came to the very end of the street and Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little wooden shack that looks like its about to fall down. “Welcome Home.” said Saint Peter. “Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded. “We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Driving Senior

Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive in a huge car. Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard. When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through. The passenger thought to herself, "I feel like I'm losing it, but I swear we just drove through a red light." A few minutes later, they drove through another red light. The passenger was almost certain that the light had been red but was still slightly concerned that she might be going mad, so she decided to give the driver one last chance. As they were approaching the next intersection, the passenger paid a great deal of attention. This time the lights were certainly red, yet just as before they just sped past. "Susan!" the passenger yelled. "Do you know we just ran 3 red lights in a row? We could have been killed!" "Oh, am I driving?" came the reply.

Halloween Pick Up Lines

The Lonely Child

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 14-year-olds. On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing soccer. She watches as they all get together and starts playing. However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok?" she says kindly. "Yes." he says. "You can go and play with the other kids you know." she says encouragingly. "It’s best I stay here." he says. "Why’s that sweetie?" asks the compassionate teacher. The boy gives her a weird look and says, “Because I’m the Goalie.”

Animal Puns

Everything's Free In Heaven

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health, food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

The Senior Couple and the Travel Agent

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came into his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me... Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Bee Puns

A Senior's Rhyme

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.” I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries; And there, once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.” Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature; But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day, And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say. My teeth are my own (I have the receipt), and my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure. You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature. The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right. My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!” My car has no scratches… not even a dent. Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.” My friends all get older… much faster than me. They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see. I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure, But don’t call me old… just call me mature. The steps in the houses they’re building today Are so high that they take… your breath all away; And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow. But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new, And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure, I’m not really old… I’m only mature!

Ghost Puns

The Italian Mama

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta." says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

What Gender is the Computer?

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. '"House" in French, is feminine - "la maison", while "pencil" in French is masculine - "le crayon."' One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be. So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!

A Girl Named Love

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart. When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name. Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away. Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "Oh my God, what happened?!" she asked, running to him. He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

The Foul Mouthed, 7 Year Old Conductor

A woman overhears her 7 year old son playing with his toy train set. As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on." The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again. "This stop is Seattle. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on." Angry that her son used such foul language, she bursts into the room and sends him to his room for an hour of time out. After an hour passes, the woman allows her son to play with his train set on the condition he does not repeat what he said. He agrees. Shortly after, the woman overhears her son playing with his train set once again. After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. If this is your stop, get off. If this is not your stop, stay on. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen."

Fish Puns

Little Johnny Gets a Warning

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Jokes For Women

A Cat Chills Out With God In Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

Puns

Dog Puns

Rabbit Puns

Funny Health Quotes

The Surprise Gift

It was a man's 80th birthday and his friends wanted to get him a special gift. Since he was a widower of many years, and after some discussion, they decide to have a hooker come to his house that night and give him the time of his life. Later that evening as the old man was getting ready for bed he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door and sees a hooker standing there in a sexy outfit. She says to the senior: "Hi there, I'm here to give you some lovin'!" The old man thinks for a moment... then says: "I'll take the soup".

The Lost Coat

Two senior gentlemen are working at a sewage treatment plant. One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake. "What are you doing?!" he yells "My coat fell in!" his buddy yells back "You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!" his friend said worriedly. "No, no. Gosh no!" Says the old man to the relief of his friend. "I have to get it back though. My teeth are in the pocket!"

Knock Knock Jokes

Birthday Puns

The Adoptive Circus Parents

A husband and wife go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child. They are well dressed and well spoken, and the social workers are quite impressed with them. However, when asked about their profession, the couple said that they run a circus. Hearing that made the social workers raise an eyebrow. It didn't sound so good to them, an environment with animals, that is moving all the time? Doubts were raised about their suitability as parents. So the couple produce photos of their 55 foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a large and spotless nursery. The social workers are happy to see this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, proper nutrition and exercise - all that a child requires." Their questions met with such excellent answers, the social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What ages were you looking to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as they fit in a cannon."

They Unionized...

An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Mouth Puns