You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
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