You know you’re getting old when… happy hour is a nap.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday..... She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings." So I got her nothing.
You know you’re getting old when… When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party, I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday. He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party? You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family... it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny? I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What is every horses birthday wish? A stable economy.
Yo momma so fat... She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
You know you’re getting old when… You sing along with the elevator music.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”. The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday. Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday, When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.” Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
You know you’re getting old when… You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one? No, they both burn shorter!
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand. I appreciated the sediment.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday. But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone. Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number. “Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone. “You need all the practice you can get!”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!