You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.