What is every horses birthday wish? A stable economy.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older.
You know you’re getting old when… You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer? I Scream Cake.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party, I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.” Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.” “Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.” After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts. “Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”. The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine”.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday. Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
You know you’re getting old when… There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday..... She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings." So I got her nothing.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it.. ..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
You know you’re getting old when… When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
You know you’re getting old when… You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
You know you’re getting old when… Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.” Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You know you’re getting old when… You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny? I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party? You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey.