My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
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