I meant to post this on Halloween but I didn’t. So my friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Yo momma so fat... She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand. I appreciated the sediment.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake It just takes more commitment.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party, I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it.. ..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday. Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen”
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family... it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday, When she turns 71, she asks "why havent you got me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday. But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?" Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What is every horses birthday wish? A stable economy.
A man is constantly asking his wife for a threesome for his birthday and every year the wife says no.
This continues on for several years, until finally the wife has enough and finally agrees.
“Ok George, yes you can have your damn threesome. Who do you want it to be with?”
George quickly responds with... “Well, do you remember Sarah who works in accounting at my office?”
“Yes, of course.” the wife responds.
“Well, with her." Said George, "and one of her friends.”
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because. It's my way or the Huawei.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party? You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes... It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
It was my wife's birthday the other day I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE, MATEY!
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday? Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny? I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said .... You know, one would have been enough.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday..... She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings." So I got her nothing.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday. He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.