A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What does a house wear?
Address.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.