How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What does a house wear?
Address.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.