My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What does a house wear?
Address.