I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What does a house wear?
Address.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!