Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What does a house wear?
Address.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!