What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.