What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What does a house wear?
Address.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…