How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.