My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"