I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.