The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.