I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.