Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.