I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!