What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.