Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers