What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.