What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!