What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.