New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
I beg your garden?
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."