A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Long thyme no see.
We’re mint to be.
I’m kind of a big dill.
It’s party thyme.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
I’m very frond of you.
Let me plant one on ya!
You’re unbeleafable.
I’ll never leaf you.