What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Leaf me alone.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
We’re mint to be.
It’s party thyme.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Ants in your plants.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
I’m kind of a big dill.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
I’m rooting for you!
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Your good seed for the day.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
I beg your garden?
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
That’s a bit mulch.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.