If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
One trick peony.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
All clover the world.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
That’s a bit mulch.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
You’re unbeleafable.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Seed between the lines.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Your good weed for the day.
In the eyes of the lawn.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
I’m rooting for you!
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.