What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
I beg your garden?
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
It’s party thyme.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Herb your enthusiasm.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
In the eyes of the lawn.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
That’s a bit mulch.
I’m very frond of you.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
One more thyme.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?