After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
All clover the world.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Leaf me alone.
I beg your garden?
I’m rooting for you!
All things must grass.
I’ll never leaf you.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Have you botany plants lately?
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I’m very frond of you.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Your good weed for the day.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
One more thyme.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Your good seed for the day.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Trowel and error.