What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
It’s party thyme.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
All things must grass.
One more thyme.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
We’re mint to be.
All clover the world.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Have you botany plants lately?
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Seed between the lines.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Don’t moss around.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.