What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Don’t moss around.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
I’ll never leaf you.
That’s a bit mulch.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
One trick peony.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
In on the ground flora.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I beg your garden?
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Seed between the lines.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
I’m rooting for you!
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Long thyme no see.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
In the eyes of the lawn.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.