My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Best in snow.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.