What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.