Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
"Here for the right riesling."
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.