What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Resting Grinch face.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.