Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
My moment in the sun.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.