The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.