A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
"Just one hot chick."
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Sea you at the beach.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!