Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.