What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Best in snow.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.