My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.