The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
More candles means a bigger wish!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
They say everything gets better with age.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
You are aged to perfection.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.