What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
They say everything gets better with age.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.