My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
More candles means a bigger wish!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.