I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
They say everything gets better with age.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.