I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
More candles means a bigger wish!
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.