I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
More candles means a bigger wish!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
You are aged to perfection.
They say everything gets better with age.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.