I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
You’ve been working too yard.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.