christmas songs Jokes

A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up. One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was Mick Jagger getting ready. Our guy approached him and begged him to come and talk to him at some point during the concert. He tried to explain that he really liked his girlfriend and they were both huge fans of the Rolling Stones, so it would mean the world to him if his girlfriend was given the impression that he was an acquantaince of Mick Jagger’s. “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll have time for that.” said Mick Jagger. “Please Mr. Jagger, and I promise I won’t bother you ever again.” “Okay, fine. If it'll get you out of my hair." Later on, during a break between songs, Mick Jagger got off stage and went over to the guy and his girlfriend. “Hey man, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in a while!” he told him with a big smile. The guy looks at him impatiently. "Ugh, Mick, can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend??"

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated. The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: A joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you can stay, but if he does not, you are banished. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half. All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came. All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing. He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down... ...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again. It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act. The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went berserk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art. Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away. At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait. It was then than the bison was called. He lumbered up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to fail He hesitated, stuttered, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom. The joke, was it even a joke? was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion. Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?" "What Bison?" replied the tortoise. "I was laughing at the zebra's joke!"

A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas, so he asked his mother. His mother replied, "Well, we can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.' The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.' Then he looked at it and thought maybe that wasn't entirely true, so he tried again. 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good for the past week, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.' Then he looked at it again and still wasn't sure if that was true, so he tried yet again. 'Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bike, I'll be good all year.' But even then that seemed too hard, so he took a walk outside to think about it. As he was walking, he saw his neighbor's statue of Mother Mary. The boy hopped over the fence, tucked it under his shoulder and ran home to hide it. Then wrote his letter again. 'Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, give me a bike!'

It was Christmas morning and an old man was enjoying opening presents with his family but every time he opens a present, he checks to be sure that everything is there… “Great, 4 steak knives. 1, 2, 3 and 4!” “A dozen wrenches? Brilliant! 1, 2, 3, 4….10, 11 and 12! “Four wine glasses, neat. 1, 2, 3 and one more makes 4.” This continues on for some time and his family is growing increasingly annoyed with him. Yet he continues on. “Fifty fishing lures, oh my. 1, 2, 3, 4…” "Oh for father's sake, Adam," his wife suddenly yelled at him: "It was ONE rib, let is go!"

Three house pets - a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat - all die and go to heaven. As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven. God turns to the dog and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?" The dog says "I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owner's family for many years." God smiles. "Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand." He then turns to the parakeet. "What do you believe in?" "I believe in color, flamboyance, and music," the parakeet says. "For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner's house with song." "Your beauty is truly magnificent," God says. "And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left." God finally turns to the house cat. "And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?" The cat lazily surveys God's throne and says, "I believe you are in my seat."

Three men die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Peter says to them: "I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas." The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "This represents the Christmas tree." He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys and jingles them "These represent bells." He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear and shows them to St. Peter, who is taken aback. "Good lord what do THOSE represent?!" The third man says "Oh well, these are Carol's."

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies. The American steps up first. "I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra and a gospel choir." "It will be done." says the genie. The Japanese goes next. "I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends." "It will be done." says the genie. The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear 'Just send me over the waterfall before the bloody song starts and the food gets here."

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back.. Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. Resistance to Beer 4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks") 9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook 10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You, The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons To Give Flowers 15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please 17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat 18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies 19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost 20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes 22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too 23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous 24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home 27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary 28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag 2. You Can Change The Oil Too 4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug 5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness 7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football 8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around 9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right 11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself 12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right 13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 14. You, The Whining Sex 15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours 16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 17. How To Close The Garage Door 18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank 21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation 22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend 24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous 25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother 26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack 27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most 28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving 30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: "Don't sell that cow".

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who was staring at them like they had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or intercourse?" She said, "Don't forget your hat."'

An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!" The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate his own atheist holiday!" The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?" The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened... but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride in the chest. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week the judge asked the best man what happened. "Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride in the chest." "That must have hurt," said the judge. "No kidding," said the best man. "I broke five of my fingers."

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna" The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. "By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!"

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation, Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation. The stockings were hung on the wall with great care, Next to some T-shirts and old underwear. I was working the night shift compiling stats, Answering the phone, and feeding the rat. When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter! I opened the door with a creak and a crick, And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick. I had seen his picture a time or two, He was wanted: Article 27 - Section 342. I threw open the door and commanded him "Freeze!" "Put your hands on you head and get down on your knees." But he turned and he ran, up the chimney he flew, with me in pursuit, toward Booth St. I knew. When we got to the roof Santa made for his sleigh, Throwing down toys and blocking my way. As I got to the peak, he threw down some crack, I slipped and I fell landing flat on my back. To my front I was faced with a toy M-1 tank, And Pink Power Rangers covering my flank. "On Dasher, on Dancer!", he cried loud and clear. Then I got off three rounds and just missed the lead deer. And I heard Santa say as he sailed into the blue, "Merry Christmas to all! My Lawyers will sue!"

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the fisherman. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life." The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" asked the fisherman. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the fisherman. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends!"