Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Dublin over in laughter.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
I’m fondue you.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Snow on and snow forth.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.