What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.