One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.