What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.