There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
The sun is just a big space heater.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.