What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.