I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.