My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns×¥
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.