85 Jokes and Puns: House

Our house is where a big chunk of our life takes place. Right now, during the quarantines and corona crisis, it's where almost ALL our life takes place.  No wonder we chose this subject as this our next Joke and Pun Collection!

There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
I forgot my blow job at your house, can i come over and get it?
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Yo Mama so poor a tornado hit your house and did 10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Yo Momma so poor she's got more furniture on her porch than in her house.
Yo Mama so poor burglars break in her house and leave money.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Bob Monkhouse

“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Joe Knows How to Handle Things at Home Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Yo Mama so short she doesn't have to open the door to get in the house.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Hey Baby, you want to come to my house and work on your math skills?
We can add the bed, subtract the cloths, divide the legs and multiply!
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
Yo Mama so ugly she went into a haunted house with tickets and came out with a job.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
An insomniac young fellow named Hatches
Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez
He still tossed and turned
half the night, but he learned
How to manage by sleeping in snatches.
There once was a student named Clouse
Who proclaimed to the boys of his house
I will take a firm stand
That a tit in the hand
Is much better than two in the blouse.
The Parrot and the New House A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said: "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thought about this but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung its cage in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"
Yo Mama so stupid when I said drinks were on the house, she went and got a ladder.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones

My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Knock, Knock

Who’s there?


Can who?

Can I worm my way in to your house!
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.

What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? Beat it, we're closed.
Did you hear about the Waffle House waitress they found murdered behind the restaurant dumpster? She was scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and diced.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
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