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the cross saves us Jokes

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The Sermon Notes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: "Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not 'bet his ass.' David slew Goliath, he did not 'kick the crap' out of him. We do NOT refer to the cross as the 'Big T'! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, 'Eat me.' The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry!" The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God." Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. And lastly, don't EVER refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples as "J.C. and the boys!""

The Retiring Rabbi

A rabbi is planning on retiring from his main occupation, which is giving circumcisions. Over the years he's saved up all the foreskins from all the circumcisions he's taken part in. He looks at them and decides to take them to the local leatherworker to see if something can be made of them. The rabbi explains that he'd like to have a retirement gift made out of the foreskins and the leatherworker agrees and tells the rabbi to come back in a couple weeks. A couple weeks later the rabbi comes back and the leatherworker hands him a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?!?" The rabbi exclaims. The leatherworker replies, "Don't fret, if you rub it a bit it becomes a suitcase."

Yard Puns

We're Saved!

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing." "Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "Our problems are over, there's no way they will fail to find us now!"

Meat Puns

The Boy, the Donkey and the Old Man

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

Funny Health Quotes

The Old Man and the Rain

An old man was walking in the desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality, taking care of his donkey and feeding him. While having dinner, he was surprised to be offered camel milk, as it is of notoriously bad taste. He thus asked about it and was told that the village has been cursed with an everlasting drought, and that the people have resorted to saving however little water they could find for crops. "Truth be told, I am one of the wise.", he said, "I know how to bring you rain. However, you must first bring me a wide bucket full of water, for I need some to bring more." The next morning, all of the villagers heard of his saying, and started collecting every drop of water they still had in reserve. In the end, there was barely enough to qualify for a bucket, and they gave it to the man. He then took the water, and walked within his host's house. There, he took off his dirty clothes, and started washing them. A curious one of the kids saw him through the window, and went on to alert everyone around. By the time they arrived, angry and shouting, it was already too late. The old man has washed all his clothes and was calmly hanging them. "Shame! Shame on you, old man, for wasting our water when our kids don't have enough to drink!" growled the chief. But as soon as he finished speaking, the sky darkened as the clouds gathered around the village. It started raining and it did not stop for 5 days straight. People got their fill, and everyone's reserves were overflowing. The old man was treated as a guest of honor and a hero, and the chief apologized profusely for ever doubting him. Only when he was about to leave, had the kid gathered the courage to ask about how he did it. "It's simple," said the old man "this always happens when I hang my clothes to dry."

A Holy Advantage

Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted. "No, I am!" the devil countered. "I am!" "I am!" "Me!" "No, me!" "EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins." Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!" Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

What It Used to Be Like

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. " Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

Use These Words Creatively

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?” “Ummm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."

A Monocle Walks Into a Bar...

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

The Inefficient Concert

The CEO of a company fell ill on a day when he had tickets to see a concert. As a gesture of kindness, he gave the tickets to the company's efficiency expert, to enjoy with his wife. Next morning, the CEO was surprised to find a report on his table, written by the efficiency expert, and this is what it said: "Dear Sir, I was sent, by you, to the concert, the main piece of the evening being Schubert's unfinished symphony, although personally I think unfinished work should be disqualified. I have watched the performance and here are some, but not all, of the malfunctions I found: 1. The most obvious problem was that they had 22 violinists play the exact same tune! Such reckless waste! I believe that at least 21 of them should be fired. 2. The drummer was doing nothing for long stretches of time. I would suggest he be put on a different clock, so we can keep an eye on him and only pay him when he actually does any work. 3. Many of the musical segments kept repeating themselves, and I fail to understand the point of having the flutes play the same segment as the oboes. If we can cut down on these repetitions, we can finish the symphony in 20 minutes instead of 2 hours. 4. Regarding the equipment: I've noticed a horrible lack of stardanization when it comes to musical instruments, and especially when it comes to string instruments, I've seen small ones, big ones, one you hold under your chin and some you hold between your legs. I think that one size for all these instruments will save time, money and confusion, as well as make maintenance easier. 5. The conductor, the most senior employee, did not play as much as a single tune the entire concert, and showed a lack of respect to the customers, while standing with his back (his back!) to the audience. There were even a few times he was threatening his staff with a stick, which should never be allowed. I would suspend him with no pay until we can get to the bottom of this. Psychological councling may be advised. To summarize: I am quite sure that if Mr. Schubert had avoided these issues, he would have managed to finish his work, instead of leaving us with an unfinished symphony! Kind Regards, Barry Efficiency Expert"

The Lucky Priest

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race! Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'. The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with most people, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Thanksgiving Jokes

The Missing Angel

A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying: "If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you." Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him. Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again: "Stop! Don't cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!" The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car. The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: "Who ARE you?!?" "I am your guardian angel!" Answers the voice joyfully. "REALLY??" says the man in sudden anger, "Then where the heck were you when I got MARRIED??"

Mouse Puns

Toilet Puns

The Moment Has Finally Arrived

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

Garden Quotes

Chicken Puns

One Liners and Short Jokes

Mexican Pick Up Lines

Physics Puns

Funny Headlines

Toucan Puns

The Politician Mountain Climber

A politician, 3 doctors and 3 engineers decided to climb Mount Everest. They arrive there and start climbing the long way up the tallest climb on Earth. It's a grueling climb and they have to stop many times to rest and pull each other up. Halfway into the climbing, the rope starts to break. The doctors say they should all hang on and wait for help. Nobody believes they will arrive on time. The engineers, with their quick physics skills tell everyone "One of us has to jump or else we all die!" Nobody wanted to jump. Everyone held onto the rope with their hands tightly. Then, the politician let out a sigh. "You people are valuable resources for the country. A doctor can save so many lives. An engineer can build so many innovative things. But what am I? A useless politician. What do I do for society? Nothing. I just give speeches and that's it." - he gives out a very heartfelt sigh. The others were so touched, they all started clapping for the politician.

Funny Animal Quotes

Funny Tongue Twisters

Saving the Forest

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Brain Puns

Throwing Faith Off the Cliff

A priest, an Imam and an old Zen master meet in a park. The Imam says that his is the true faith. The Buddhist maintains Zen is key, while the Priest of course argues that Jesus is the way. This went on for hours until finally the priest says, "let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will we know that theirs is the true faith. " After thinking about it, the other two agreed. They found a cliff and the Imam went first. As he jumped, he shouted "Aaaaaaalllllllaaaaaa...." SPLAT! Both were shocked but not surprised. They said their prayers for the Imam and continued. The Buddhist Zen master went next and, as he stepped off the roof, he chanted quietly "zen, zen, zen, zennnnnn..." while utterly calm, he imagines himself as light as a feather... and indeed, his fall starts to slow down until he lands lightly, unharmed. Giving a relaxed smile to the Priest, he gestured to the cliff for his turn. The priest was unperturbed. Taking a few minutes to compose himself, he then took his leap of faith: "Jeeeeeesssssuuuusssssssss.... zen zen zen zen zen zen zen zen..."

The CEO, the Employee and the Rock Climbing

A CEO went on a rock-climbing trip with one of his employees. The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the employee was so scared he couldn't find a handhold. The CEO yelled, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let you go." The employee, accepting his fate, was praying when a wad of cash hit him in the face. He yelled to the CEO, "What the hell is this for?" The CEO, while cutting the rope, replied, "It's your severance pay."

Halloween Puns

The Lion's Birthday Party

Q: A plane is carrying one hundred bricks. One falls out. How many are left on the plane? A: 99. Q: What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? A: Open the fridge, put the giraffe in, and close the fridge. Q: What are the four steps to putting an elephant in the fridge? A: Open the fridge, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, and close the fridge. Q: Today is the lion king’s birthday party. All animals except for one arrive. Which animal is missing and why? A: The elephant is missing because he is still stuck in the fridge. Q: Sally must cross an alligator-infested river in order to safely make it out of a huge jungle. Usually, the alligators would kill any animal that approaches their waters. However, Sally makes it across safely. Why? A: All the alligators are at the lion king’s birthday party. Q: Unfortunately, Sally still dies. How did she die? A: She was hit in the head by a falling brick.

Stupidity and Foolishness Quotes

Why Did Others Cross the Road? One Liners

Three Questions For Three Blondes

Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate. Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of lust and drugs. Yet, after their deaths, they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head. Then after a moment, he speaks, "O.K ladies, the Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another chance. I'm going to ask each of you the same question. If you get the question right, God will let you into Heaven. If you get it wrong, it is a Hell you will be a-going." Peter then reminds the girls. "You will each be asked the same question. So if the first girl gets it right, the other two will get it as well, So choose carefully as to who will answer the question first." The girls whisper amongst themselves, and the first blonde steps up, "I will answer first." Peter eyes her over and asks, "What is Easter?" The first blonde thinks about it and answers, "It where everyone decorates their trees and gives each other presents." Saddened, Peter informs her, "I am sorry, but you are wrong." Suddenly a big fiery pit opens up below her and swallows her up. The second blonde steps up. Peter asks the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde smiles and proudly announces, "That is the day when everyone dresses in green, and if you do not, everyone pinches you." Peter looks at here, saddened, "I'm sorry." The pit opens up and then swallows the second blonde. The third blonde steps up and smiles widely, as Peter asks," What is Easter?" The blonde proudly announces, "That is the day when Jesus was betrayed to the Romans, and crucified by Pontius Pilate. When they took him off the cross, they placed him in a large tomb and sealed it shut with a large stone." Peter was surprised, "That is very close. What you described is good Friday. What comes next?" The blonde continues, "Well, the next day they move the rock away, and when Jesus comes out, if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of Winter!"

Funny Haiku

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? One Liners

The Men, The Woman and the Train Ride

Three women and three men are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three men each buy tickets and watch as the three women buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the guys. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers a woman. All of them board the train. The men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the men decide to copy the women on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the women don’t buy a ticket at all. ”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one of the perplexed men. ”Watch and you’ll see,” is the answer. When they board the train the three men cram into a restroom and the three women cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the women leaves her restroom and walks over to the restroom where the men are hiding. She knocks on the door and says in a low voice, “Ticket, please.”

Turkey Puns

The Wrong Person to Ring...

A marketing person finally managed to corner me at the mall and was asking a series of survey questions. Here is how you make sure you don't get bothered twice: "Hi can I just ask - Which shaving cream do you use?" "Jem's." The interviewer dutifully recorded my answer and proceeded with the next question. "Which aftershave do you use?" "Jem's." "Which deodorant do you use?" "Jem's." "Which toothpaste do you use?" "Jem's." "Which shampoo do you use?" "Jem's." "Which soap do you use?" "Jem's." "Thank you. I have one final question: tell me please, What is Jem's? Is it a foreign company?" "Nah, Jem's my sister."

Ancient Rome Puns

Jose the Tourist

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he saved his money and went on a trip. He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and shouted to me: "Jose, can you see?"

How to Use Timbuktu!

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

Phone Number Pick Up Lines

The Burning Questions of Life

These innocent-looking questions are actually cleverly crafted: Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which side would it fall on? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? What's another word for thesaurus? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Tiger Puns

Joey Had An Interesting Day At Sunday School

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

The Crosses

In a land far, far away, there was a Christian parish that had many attendees. There was a priest who was part of it that used to give out miniature palm crosses that he made by hand. One Sunday, he announced that he would be giving them out. The congregation in the church that day reacted with glee. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching." When the parishioners were leaving the church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."

A Thug For a Boyfriend

Sarah's parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend. This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents. Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass. They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah. At 8PM they hear that ring. They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face. He looks like he beats people for a living. After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen. "What the heck, Sarah?" asked her mother, "Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!" "You've got him all wrong," said Sarah, irritated, "he's an incredibly nice and charitable guy." "What makes you say that?" asked her father. "Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community!"

Before We Die

A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane. There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.” Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.” The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having made love to a woman. Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.” The boy says “just a LITTLE longer next time dad!”

God and the Lazy Pigs

God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?" One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the other one says, "Nah, who wants to be courageous? You have to strut around, humans will start hunting you, it's a huge pain. Let's wait." The lions speak up and take the courage. "Next up, industrious! Who wants to be known for being industrious?" The pig says, "Hey, we could definitely be that. Make stuff, stay busy, it sounds good!" The other pig says, "Are you crazy? Get up at dawn, work all day, who wants that? I'm sure God saved the best for last." The beavers pipe up and take industriousness, so God goes back to his list. "Next up, we have wings, who wants to fly?" The first pig says: "Wow, we've got to get THAT one! We could fly all day?" The second pig says: "Exactly, fly around all day, beat your wings all the time? That sounds exhausting, you'd have to fly for hours beating your wings like mad to stay aloft. No thank you! Let's wait for the really good stuff." God looks at his list, getting to the end. "Let's see, claws are taken, flight went to the birds, the cheetah got speed... Okay, here we go. Who wants to be delicious?"

Vehicle Puns

10k Bullets

A man comes to see an incredibly successful assassin who was known to charge $10,000 per bullet. "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" He asks him. "Yup." "What if you miss?" The assassin looks at the man, very serious. "I don't miss," he hisses. "Okay, okay," says the man nervously. "Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife has been having an affair with my best friend for years! They're at their usual motel right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his penis off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks impatiently. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I might be able to save you $10k."

Alien Puns

Bacon Puns

Funny Money Quotes

Tax Quotes

Noah, We Have a Problem...

Some years ago, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. "I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. "Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go! "When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property. "Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment. "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. "Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits.. "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "Does this sign mean you're not going to destroy the world, oh Lord?". "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Christian Pick Up Lines

Wolf Puns

How to Increase Your Savings

On a hot afternoon, Scrooge the miser and his grandson, Tim, were walking home from a party. Tim complains, "Gramps, it's still a long way back to our house. It's hot and I'm tired. Look, there's a bus stop here. Can we please take the bus home?" Scrooge is aghast. "It'll cost us six dollars to get home from here! What a waste of money! We'll walk it." Tim sighs, but he's a good kid, and doesn't fuss about it. They barely walk a few feet, when Scrooge sees a passing taxi and hails it. "How much would you charge to take us home to Springfield Avenue?", Scrooge asks the cab driver. "Springfield Avenue? Around twenty bucks.", says the driver. "Oof! That's too much. We won't be requiring your services, thank you." The cab drives off. Tim turns to his grandfather, exasperated. "Did you *really* think that a taxi to Springfield Avenue would cost less than a bus ride?", he asks, incredulously. "Don't be ridiculous, of course not.", Scrooge scoffs. "Then why did you bother flagging down the taxi, Gramps?!" "Foolish boy! We would've saved $6 by not taking the bus, now we're saving $20 by not taking the taxi!"

Door-to-door Research

One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. He's inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it's being used, and by whom. "Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" "Yes. My husband and I use it during intercourse," she answers. The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure. "Um, er... I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

River Puns

Boat Puns

Elephant Puns

Funny Work Quotes

Weather Puns

Real Estate Puns

The Lawyer, the Friend and the 2 Bears

A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

God? I Have a Question...

GOD said: "Adam, I want you to do something for me." "Gladly, Lord," replied Adam. "What do you want me to do?" "Go down into the valley." "What's the valley?" asked Adam. God explained to him, then said: "Cross the river." "What's a river?" God explained it to him, and then continued: "Go over the hill ." "What's a hill?" God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave." "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said: "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam asked, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him too. He continued: "I want you to reproduce." "How do I do that?" "Jeez!" God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam. Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman. A little while later, Adam returned and said: "Lord... What's a headache?"

Rain Puns

Which One Do You Save?

A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo. Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?" The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!" A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?" The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you." The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?" Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"

It Only Takes a Sermon

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to an entire sermon on the Ten Commandments. After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it." "You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" the preacher asked. "No, the one about adultery did," the old man said. "As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat."

A Female Secret

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to lovemaking and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "I'm catholic too but we use the bucket and saucer method." "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask. "Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

Otter Puns

The Carpenter's Solution

A woman's closet door was making terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside, so she called a carpenter to check it out. The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus is crossing the street and a loud creaking sound is heard coming from the closet. He can't believe it, so strange. "Hmmm..." says the carpenter to the wife. "How unusual. Perhaps if I sit inside before the next bus comes I can see what's making such a noise inside." The wife thinks it's a good idea, if sorry for his time. The carpenter goes inside the closet and gets comfortable, looking at the wood. A few minutes later the husband arrives home. While the wife is in the bathroom, he goes into the bedroom and opens the closet. To his shock, there's a man sitting inside! He throws a look to the bathroom, and then slowly turns his face to the carpenter with murder in his eyes. "What the heck are you doing in MY HOUSE, in MY CLOSET?" he growls ominously. "Ah, well..." the carpenter swallows nervously. "Would you believe me if I told you I'm waiting for the bus?"

The Way it Used to Be

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather. He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change." Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents. "Can't do that today, though. No siree Bob!" "Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy. "Too many bloody cameras."

Medical Pick Up Lines

Pick Up Lines

Forgive This Mouth of Mine

A Catholic man goes to confession. "Forgive me father for I have sinned." He begins. "Go on my son." says the priest. "I swore the other day, in the most profane way." says the man. "Continue." says the priest. "I was on the golf course and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway." "And this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough." said the man. "Ah, so this must have been when you swore." Said the priest. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it." continued the man. "Ahhh I see." says the priest "This MUST have been the point where you swore." "You'd thinks so but no, because as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed just two feet from the hole." They both remain quiet for a few seconds, then the priest says: "You missed the f**in' putt, didn't you?"

The Crucifying Commercial

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Benson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Benson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad. He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Benson's Nails, they'll hold anything'. Benson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Benson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Benson's Nails!'.

The Golfers and the Late Tee Time

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. They start getting really upset as time goes on, as they have reserved the time weeks in advance. Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 25 minutes!" Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!" Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?" George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!" (silence) Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

It's So Cold.... One Liners

How to Use a Pawn Shop

Bill wandered into Max’s pawnshop and placed a coat on the counter. “How much will you give me for this?” Max checked the coat for a second. “$20, and that’s the best offer.” he replied. “But that coat is worth $100." argued Bill. Max was adamant. “$20 or nothing.” “Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Bill. “Positive. That's the best price you'll get for it.” “Okay,” said Bill. "Here’s $20. The coat was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.”

Travel Pick Up Lines

The Undertaker's Worst Mistake

Three retired gentlemen were sitting together, having coffee and talking about their life's experiences. Then one of the suggests they each relate their most exciting experience. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting. The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, and many damsels in distress to save. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time. The third, a retired undertaker, started, “One night I got a call from the local Hilton hotel to pick up a body. I get to the room with the body, which was under a sheet. So far so good, but when I got a look at the corpse, I had a problem. It had a huge... bulge, if you know what I mean. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that bulge just as hard as I could to make it go down.” He paused. The retired fireman asked, “ah... no offense, but how was that exciting?” The undertaker sighed and said, “Turns out... I was in the wrong room.”

The Dangers of Drinking and Driving

I would like to share a personal experience I had about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DWI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well recently, it happened to me. I was out for the night to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather lovely red wine. It was held at a great Italian restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi. The real surprise to me was that I had never driven a taxi before. Not sure where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. If you want to borrow it, give me a call.

Reminded of Her Youth

A bored minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "S*x!" The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

The ABCs of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." "What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously. He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!" She beamed at him happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?" "I'm Just Kidding!" (The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

Zebra Puns

The Ex-Jewish Rabbit

So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives. His friend says, "Please come back to us." The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore." His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!" Almost dropping his cup due to the tugging, the rabbit rights himself and says, "You almost made me break my favorite cup! Please leave!" His friend angrily storms off. The rabbit's wife comes out and says, "What was that about?" The rabbit says, "My friend wanted me to lead the community at the synagogue again, but I would've had to drop the tea."

The Old Man and the Puddle

It was a long day at work, and George decided to leave his London office and walk to the pub across the street to get a few drinks. The rain was pouring as he stepped out, and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. As he crossed the street, he noticed a ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. His curiosity piqued, he stopped next to the old man and asked what he was doing. "Fishing." The old man said simply without looking at George. "Poor old fool." George thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he thought he'd humor the old man and asked, "Well... how many have you caught?" "You're the eighth."

Advice from the Pope

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him. Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"

Just a Weeee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby, while cute, had the ugliest face he ever saw. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Fish Puns

Some People Shouldn't Write Signs!

Some signs either make no sense or too many! On a bathroom door: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below." In a laundromat: "Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out." In a london department store: "Bargain basement upstairs." In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday Please bring it back? Or further steps will be taken." Outside a secondhand shop: "We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?' Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness." Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants please stay in your car." Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, There is a day care on the 1st floor." Notice in a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges." Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons." On a repair shop door: "We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door The bell doesn't work)."

Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wanted a rematch next year so they could save face. The other company agreed. Right away, the Swedish team started to examine the reason they lost. The company created a special task force. After a lengthy examination for several months, the report was submitted that it appeared the Japanese team had one person at the helm and the rest were rowing. On the Swedish team, one person was rowing as the rest were at the helm. After this report, the company decided to hire a consultant to solve the issue. After experts went through the findings of the task force for a few months the judgment was clear: there were too few people rowing and too many people at the helm. Armed with this knowledge, the Swedish company took swift action and the result was that there would be 2 steersmen, 2 senior steersmen, a captain and a rower. In addition, the rower was enrolled in a bonus scheme system to motivate him for better results. So a year went by and it was time for the rematch. Surprisingly, the Japanese won again, this time by 3 kilometers! The Swedish company management knew exactly what to do. They fired the rower due to poor performance, got large bonuses for all managers for their initiative in trying to solve the issue and for next year, they decided they would try to design a better boat.

Driving Quotes

10 More Hilarious Murphy's Laws

Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Edict - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced marmalade sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet. The Conundrum of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Rule of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. Will's favourite! Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. Will and Guy's Law - If you don't save things on your computer you will, sooner rather than later, delete them.

The Priest, the Rabbi and the Monk

A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gambling. They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first, "Did you play poker yesterday?" The priest mumbles a quick 'Lord forgive me' and answered "No." The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, "Did you play poker yesterday?" The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear "No." Finally the judge turns to the Buddhist monk and tells him, "So you are a Buddhist monk, I know for a fact that you are absolutely forbidden to lie to me! Did YOU play poker yesterday?" The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks "How could I possibly play poker all by myself?"

Crow Puns

The Angry Woman and the Walmart Greeter

An angry woman with two kids enters Walmart, shouting angrily at the children and at anyone who crosses her path. The greeter at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." "Shut the F up." Grunts the woman. Unperturbed, he says: "Cute kids! Are they twins?" The horrible woman stopped shouting just enough to say, "Hell, they’re not twins! The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "Neither. It's just hard to believe someone slept with you twice."

Haggling With the Dentist

One day, a woman walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount!" the woman says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." "That's still too expensive," replies the woman. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the woman, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the woman. "May I book my mother-in-law for next Tuesday please?"

The Firefighting Hero

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm rang in all surrounding fire departments. When the firefighters arrived on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station that could bring out the company's secret files. But the firefighters still couldn't get through. From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that small run-down fire engine roared right past all the new sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds. He walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you planning to do with all that money?" "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."

Using Cold Water to Clean the Dishes

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied: 'They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said: 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled: 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: 'Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me!?!'