“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush