"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
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