“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel