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msci world etf Jokes

msci world etf Jokes and more.

Science Puns

The Camel Supply

A man arrives at the pearly gates and notices a group of rich people in expensive suits fighting over a needle. One guy yells, "It’s my turn!" while another in a black baseball cap jabs himself repeatedly, shouting, "Ow, ow, ow!" The man turns to St. Peter and asks, "What’s going on over there?" St. Peter sighs. "Oh, that’s just the world’s richest trying to get into heaven." Confused, the man points at the needle. "Okay… but what are they doing with that?" St. Peter shrugs. "You know Mark 10:25, right? 'Easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven'?" "Sure, but… where’s the camel?" St. Peter smirks. "We ran out. This seemed easier."

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

Oral Hygiene Puns

Crocodile Puns

Clever Jokes

The Psycho's Snake

A zoologist, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath. The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you." The zoologist approaches the snake carefully, then, using his knowledge, tries to grab the back of the snake's head. But the snake was quicker, and his hand got bit before it got 2 centimeters from the snake. He falls dead almost instantly. The doctor examines the snake, tries to find the best position to stop the snake from being uncomfortable, and holds it. The snake bites him, and he falls over dead. The politician is last up, he just mutters ‘screw it’ and holds the snake. To his amazement, the snake stays still, it doesn't bite him. He holds it for a full ten minutes and is set free. After he leaves, the psycho looks at the snake and says "why didn't you kill that last one?" "Professional courtesy." Murmured the Snake.

Nuts Puns

The Burning Questions of Life

These innocent-looking questions are actually cleverly crafted: Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which side would it fall on? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? What's another word for thesaurus? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Geology Pick Up Lines

A Life Free From Distraction

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life. Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds. "Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!" But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPads. Shaken by this intrusion of the outside world into monastic life, he sought out the abbot. The abbot looked up from his phone, greeted the man and asked if he had a question. "Abbot, I came here expecting a place free from distraction, and yet I see distraction all around. Tell me, is it now acceptable for monks to spend their time answering emails?" "Of course," said the abbot, "provided there are no attachments."

The Way it Used to Be

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather. He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change." Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents. "Can't do that today, though. No siree Bob!" "Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy. "Too many bloody cameras."

Valentines Day Puns

The Secret to Having No Enemies

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the preacher. "I don't have any." Said the old lady. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety seven." "That is incredible! Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be 97, and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bastards."

The Pharmacist and the Seasick Pills

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?" So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask. "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry into your marriage, but if it makes you that sick, why the heck do you do it?"

Space Pick Up Lines

Travel Pick Up Lines

Inviting Friends Over

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight." As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening. His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!" The husband said, "I know all that." The wife looked at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace. "Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife. The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

Biology Puns

Chocolate Pick Up Lines

One Liners and Short Jokes

Travel Puns

4th of July Pick Up Lines

The Old Eagle and the Eaglets

The eaglets were preparing to leave the nest and fly out into the world when their grandfather happened by. He perched on the side of the nest to wish them well. The eaglets asked what grandfather liked to eat most. "That'd have to be salmon, or maybe trout. Oh, one day soon you'll find out!" A granddaughter asked, "What do you usually eat?" "Rabbits are always good, and squirrels, you've seen squirrels?" "Sure, we see a lot, running around on the branches." "Keep an eye out, because those are tasty." Said the grand old eagle. "An eagle-eye," a smart-mouthed grandson said, and was immediately smacked. The granddaughter asked, "Birds, what about birds, do we eat those?" "Well some, sure. Seagulls, those are fine, and pretty easy to catch." Answered the great eagle. A grandson asked, "There's a big white bird with long legs, it lives by rivers and streams, do you know? Do you eat those?" "I think you mean egrets?" his grandfather asked. "That's right, egrets, have you eaten a lot of those?" "Egrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention."

Stop, You're Blonde

A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine." the blond chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blond began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..." "Uh, ma'am?", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Jose the Tourist

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he saved his money and went on a trip. He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and shouted to me: "Jose, can you see?"

Travel Quotes

The International Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure, because... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Keyboard Puns

The Baseball Buddies

Sam and Dean were the best of friends as well as two of the biggest baseball fans the world has ever seen. All of their lives, Sam and Dean would talk about baseball. They went to all the games they could get to. They even made a pact, as kids, that when one of them dies - the other will return to tell him if heaven has baseball games. One night, after watching a Yankee victory, Sam happily dies. A few nights later, his buddy Dean wakes up to a familiar sound - it's Sam, and he's talking to him from beyond. "Sam, is that you?" Asks Dean. "Sure is, buddy!" replies Sam. "Wow this is amazing!" exclaims Dean. "So, please tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," answers Sam. "I have some good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?" "Give me the good news first." "Ok, well the good news is that the answer is yes, there is baseball in heaven." "That's incredible! So what's the bad news, then?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."

History Puns

To Be Eight Again

A husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be 8 again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 8 again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!"

Christian Quotes

The Best Bar in the World

Three guys are drinking at a bar and talking about their favorite bars. The first guy says, 'As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.' 'Well,' said the second man, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.' "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the third guy, 'Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!' The first two guys lift their eyebrows in suspicion. 'Yea right,' says the first guy, 'there is no bar that good.' The man swore every word was true. Then the second man asked, 'Come ON, be real. Did this actually happen to you?' 'Well. Not to me, personally, no.' admitted the man, "But it did happen to my sister quite a few times."

Pick Up Lines

The Ugly Baby

Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters. Although they felt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy. They began trying for another baby, and it wasn’t long before Linda became pregnant. Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world. Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could. To his confusion, his son didn't look like his daughter, he didn't have their pointed chin, his nose was much larger and so were his ears. “How did we get such a different baby?” he exclaimed to his wife. “It’s just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two girls.” Linda blushed, which made him shoot her a look of suspicion. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked. "Be honest." "I really didn't." She declared. "Not this time."

A Peculiar Mummy

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel Museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "That's not something you can just determine on hand! Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

The Cat Poem

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, and sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, and someone nice to scratch my back, for windowsills all warm and bright, for shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay cool, and keep the secret feline rule, to never tell a human that the world is really ruled by cats!

Dad Jokes

An Embarrassing Problem...

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of it, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing this to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered. "On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good." "But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

Everything is Bigger in Texas

A blind man is unafraid to travel and experience new things around the world. Eventually, his travels take him to Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is huge!” “EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!” says the bellhop cheerfully. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are enormous!” The bartender disclaims: “EVERYTHING is big in Texas!” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and the poor guy falls right in. The few swimmers there were shocked when a man suddenly popped his head up from under the water flailing his arms and screaming, “Don’t flush, DON'T FLUSH!!!!!”

Mosquito Puns

Jesus is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him. It was growling. "The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." said the parrot.

Funny Family Quotes

Old Lady's Lament

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thing,' which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant. "Well," said the old lady, "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now I'm 80, the darn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!"

Mountain Puns

Vegetable Puns

Garden Puns

The Blonde and the Trees

A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. “My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?” “Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the woman, drunk as a skunk, chirped. “Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. “Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the inebriated woman began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…” “Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off. “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles - that was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

Dad Knows Best

A small town man decides to go to the city. He's a self sufficient guy so this is a rare occurrence, however finding himself low on essentials he decides there's nothing for it and heads in. Being something of a special occasion he takes his youngest child with him, thinking it was the perfect chance to show off his knowledge of the world outside to an eager audience. On the trip in, they chatter away until they arrive at their first stop, the bakery. Pulling up, the little one excitedly asks where they are. "Why this is John the Baker, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any bread, John makes it for him." The little one stares at him wide eyed and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a small grin he replies "No, mine is better!" And off he went to get the bread. Arriving at their next stop, the little one again queries where they are. "Why this is Ted's Liquor store, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any beer, Ted makes it for him." The little one stares at him, thinking hard, and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a bigger grin he replies "no, mine is better!" and off he went to get some beer. At their final stop, the butcher's shop, the little one thinks the world makes a lot more sense now. "So then Dad..." his smallest child begins, and looks at him expectantly. "Yes that's right little one. This is Tom the Butcher. And when Dad hasn't made any sausages...." he trails off. "... Tom makes them for you?" She asks hesitantly. "Yes that's right! You are a smart one!" He exclaimed. "And yours are better!!" She shouts. Beaming with pride he says "Exactly!" And away he goes to collect some sausages from Tom. On the road home they pass the postal truck coming the other way. "Hey Dad!" Exclaimed the little one. "It's Pete the Postman!" "Yes that's right" said the farmer, but sensing what comes next he quickly continued "but we need Pete, your Dad is a farmer and can do a lot of things but I can't do what Pete does." "Oh yes!" she replied, "Mum says so too!"

The Shooting Squad

During the second world war, three military prisoners were about to be executed. A private, a sergeant and an officer. Two guards brings the private forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..." Suddenly the private private yells, "Earthquake!" Everyone is startled and looks around, allowing him time to run away as fast as he could. The angry guards then bring the sergeant forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..." The sergeant then screams, "Tornado!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. allowing him time to escape in the confusion. The guards, very angry now, bring the office forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..." The officer shouts, "FIRE!"

Math Pick Up Lines

Who the Heck Is Mr. Gorsky?

On July 20th, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were heard by millions of people around the world. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but he just brushed them off by smiling. On July 5th, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question. That time, he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwestern town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Make love? You want to make love?! You'll get lovin' when the kid next door walks on the moon!!"

The Only Parachute

Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane. During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.

The Best Sleeping Pills

An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.” The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

Fastest Dad in the World

Three youngsters were in the midst of a spirited debate to determine who had the swiftest dad. "My dad is the fastest!" Anya exclaimed excitedly. "He's a builder and can chuck a brick off the fifth floor, race down the stairs and catch it before it even hits the ground!" "That's nothing!" Brad boasted. "My dad is much faster! He's a professional archer and can target an arrow at a wolf's head, fire it, and then run and grab the creature before the arrow even lands!" "Incredible!" exclaimed Tommy. "But I think my father is way faster!" "What makes you say that?" asked Anya and Brad curiously. "My father has been working at the DMV for 20 years," Tommy answered. "he's expected to be off work at 5PM, but he's so speedy he's home by 1!"

How to Avoid Fatherhood

A pretty blond woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. 5 years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about 5 years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah", says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Then let's take these bloody things off!"

Guess the Airline...

A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him. He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto: "We love to fly and it shows". The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world". Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations". The woman looks at him wearily and says: "What the heck do you WANT, moron?" "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Spirit Airlines..."

Funny Nature Quotes

Computer Puns

Ant Puns

Two Men With Black Eyes

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fat, evil hag'."

Rain Puns

Avocado Puns

What You Wished For

Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink. Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25 year duration. The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. "Might as well pass the time drunk." He said. The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. "Might as well have her lovely company." said he, and the loving wife agreed. The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. "It's the only thing that will calm me down all these years." They are locked inside, each with his wish. 25 years pass... It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men. They open the first prisoner's door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He himself in a corner, wasted and hardly alive. Then they open the second prisoner's door, and a whole family steps out - babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell. Then they open the third prisoner's door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand. "Does anyone," he asks with a broken voice, "have a light?"

Funny Animal Quotes

The New Secretary

Kevin gets a New Secretary. A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions. Emma (Kevin's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?" Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice." Emma: "What color are her eyes?" Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check." Emma: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?" Kevin: “Not a clue in the world." Emma: "Does she have a local accent?” Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.” Emma: "How does she dress?" Kevin: "Very quickly.” Kevin's funeral will be held on Tuesday.

One Liners for Kids

What Computer Acronyms Really Mean

People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms, so here's a list: WWW World Wide Wait COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis DOS Defective Operating System OS/2 Obsolete Soon 2 BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft SAP Slow And Painful BSDO Blue Screen of Death Google Gradually Overcoming Our Ghastly Legal Environment Yahoo You Always Have Other Options

Cheese Puns

Potato Puns

Can You Keep an Eye On My Car?

A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city's other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack. As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk. He said to him: "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize I am a member of the United States Senate?" "Actually no," the tourist said, "please get the hell away from my car!"

Pineapple Puns

The Lady Stowaway

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself. She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." She agrees. That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats below deck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn. But... After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection below decks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I...I'm a stowaway! I have an...arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food." "And?" says the captain "And...well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"

Kids Can Be Cruel...

Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one. He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem. But he was tired of letting the world get him down. The school dance was coming up and he would be darned if he didn't let himself have a good time. Timothy had eyes for a girl named Sally. She was shy and just as lonely as he was, due to having a fairly pronounced mustache, earning her the nickname, "Hair-lip". Well Timmy saw past her 'stache and thought she was the most beautiful girl in school, and he decided he was going to ask her out. He waited until lunch, and spotted her eating a peanut butter sandwich alone in the corner of the lunchroom. He marched up to her and said, "Sally, I've been seeing you around for a while, and, well... Would you like to go to the dance with me?" Sally's eyes lit up and she responded, "Would I!" "Hair-lip!" blurted Timothy and ran away.

Do I Really Need to Do That, Father?

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with sexual favors and she accepted," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

An Unlikely Destination

2 policemen went on patrol and at 4 o'clock at night when they suddenly saw an older man walking alone in the street wobbling and barely walking a straight line. They stopped him for questioning, make sure he's not drunk in public or getting into a car to drive home. "Where does sir come from please?" They asked him. "I come from the best place in the world!" He answered in a very slushed voice. "This is my favorite bar that has the best drinks and the nicest girls! Each one is friendlier than the next!" The man continued and winked at the cops. "It sounds like a great place." Said one of the officers. "And where are you going at a time like this? Shouldn't you be in bed?" "What? sleep!? No way, I'm on my way to a lecture on alcohol addiction and its effects on the body, the harms of smoking and proper social behavior." "Reaaaally?" an officer said dubiously, exchanging knowing looks with his partner. "Are you sure you didn't drink too much tonight? I seriously doubt anyone is giving lectures on these topics at a time like this." The man sighed and said, "Tell that to my wife...

Every Elderly Woman's Wish...

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied: "Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said: "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied: "It's the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful - the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen - so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!" And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath: "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

3 Men in Heaven

The Day of Judgment came, and all the people in the world who were worthy reached heaven, where the heavenly angels divided them into men and women. The angel Gabriel was revealed before all the men and ordered them to stand in two rows; One would be all the men who had retained their strength in the relationship, and the other - men who had surrendered to their wives. Meanwhile, the women were taken elsewhere, apparently to pass their own test... Of course, as soon as the women disappeared, most of the men immediately made their way to the first row of men who stood their ground, did not give in and wore the “pants” in the house. But under the scrutiny and judgment of the angels, they slowly began to wander to the second line of the submissive men. So it went on for a long time until finally there were only three men left in the first row, while the second row lengthened and extended beyond the horizon. Gabriel looked at this scene with a very disappointed look and turned to all the men: "You should be ashamed of yourself, you were created in the image of the Creator, and the woman was created from your bones, but you have allowed yourself to let her rule over you, only these three men are exceptional and I am sure they can teach you a thing or two." “Hey you,” he said to one of the three men, "How do you describe your relationships? How do you feel knowing you are one of the most special men in the world?" "The truth?" answered the man, "I was lonely or stuck in unhappy relationships all my life, and now that we are here, my greatest regret is that I did not treat women better." The surprised angel did not lose his enthusiasm and hurried to ask the other man how he described his relationships in life. "All my life I've gone from relationship to relationship, I've never found love and I've always wanted to change my ways and treat women better, now I can never do that ..." he said and burst into tears. The confused angel hurried to the third man. "Please tell me, you seem quite satisfied and relaxed, what’s your secret, how did you manage to be the only man in the world who controls his relationship, that stands his ground, doesn’t give in to women, and still looks so sure of himself?" "I'm sorry but I don’t have an answer for you," said the third man. "I'm just standing here because my wife told me to wait here and not move until she comes back ..."

Wisdom or Money?

A man goes on a trip to the desert. At one point, he walks off alone, and suddenly stumbles upon an old lamp. It's old but may bring a few bits, he rubs the lamp and is amazed when a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".

How Did She Know??

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests. For once, they'll enjoy a vacation as regular people. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' 'Father, it's me,' she replied, 'Sister Philomena!'

The Wasp Expert

A biology student doing his thesis on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store. In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store. He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. I've been listening to so many wasps, I'll probably be able to know each and every one of them." He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper feigns interest. The student pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on. "Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track. "Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is! It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was already an expert on the subject! He calls his professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him: "I thought I was an expert by now, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" He says, almost in tears. The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record. "Ah, I know what the problem is!" He says. "What? what is it?!" "You've got it on the B-side!"

The Famous Grandfather

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much... But he would be 165 years old."

Two Priests on Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blond, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father - Good morning Father,” and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?” “Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”

My Beer Is Better

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman, 'in 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.' Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out, 'In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.' Hans steps up next, 'In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Beck's, the real king of beers.' Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top. Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward. 'Barman, give me a coke with ice please.' The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces. Eventually, Bruce asks, 'Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?' Patrick replies, 'Well, if you lot aren't drinking, then neither am I.'

Mick Jagger and the Desperate Youth

A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up. One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was Mick Jagger getting ready. Our guy approached him and begged him to come and talk to him at some point during the concert. He tried to explain that he really liked his girlfriend and they were both huge fans of the Rolling Stones, so it would mean the world to him if his girlfriend was given the impression that he was an acquantaince of Mick Jagger’s. “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll have time for that.” said Mick Jagger. “Please Mr. Jagger, and I promise I won’t bother you ever again.” “Okay, fine. If it'll get you out of my hair." Later on, during a break between songs, Mick Jagger got off stage and went over to the guy and his girlfriend. “Hey man, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in a while!” he told him with a big smile. The guy looks at him impatiently. "Ugh, Mick, can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend??"

The Best Invention in the World

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world. "It is the laser," said the soldier, a man of obvious superior intellect. "The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional." "No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is the radar. With a radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch." "I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the thermos." "The thermos?" exclaimed the other two. "Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, just think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it." "Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two. "Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"

St. Patrick's Day Puns

Soccer Pick Up Lines

My Joker Brother

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when - in his excitement - his car went out of control and crashed into an oak tree. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side with the warm grin he'd know since childhood. He asked his brother how his wife was, and his brother replied: "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." The husband was thinking to himself: "Oh no, what has he done now?" And he said with trepidation: "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied: "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said: "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" "Denephew," the brother replied.

Will You Walk Me Through the Cemetery?

This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?" "Sure." I said, being the gentleman I am. As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it. What has come of this world, when a man won't give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place. "Thank God you're not like that." She smiled at me. "I suppose it's silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age." I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive."

Llama Puns

Good Morning Quotes

Mr. Putin Goes to School

One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, not every day they get to raise a question before the President of Russia. "Yes, cute girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with braids, who began to speak, saying, "Hello, Mr. President. My name is Sasha and I wanted to know: Do you think one day Russia will return to itself as the Soviet Union, In the past? " "Of course," Putin replied. "It is only a matter of time before all the countries of Eastern Europe, and even the countries of the world, understand that it is in their favor." "Yes cute boy, next question please," Putin said, pointing to a boy with freckles, who said, "Hello Mr. President. My name is Arkady and I wanted to know: what is the secret of your success? Because you are the most powerful and important man in all of Russia." "The truth is," Putin said, "I am the most powerful and important man in the whole world, and the secret of my success is that I just know what is good for everyone, so everyone trusts me to run the country for the best." "Do you have any more questions?" Putin wondered, then pointed to a blond boy raising his hand. The boy spoke and said: "Hello Mr. President. My name is Boris and I wanted to know why Russia is sending troops to Ukraine and why we have annexed the Crimean peninsula from Ukraine to us?". A moment after Boris finished asking his question the break bell suddenly rang, and everyone went out for lunch. When the break was over, Putin and all the children returned to the lecture hall. "Yes sweet girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with short hair who stood up. "Hello Mr. President. My name is Katya and I wanted to know where Boris is."

Three Drunks and the World's Fastest Taxi

Three drunken guys entered a taxi after a heavy night of drinking. Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them. He started the engine, turned it off again and said: “We have reached your destination". “Alright pal, here you go,” said the first guy as he gave him the money. The second guy thanked him enthusiastically. The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force. "What was that for?" Yelled the surprised driver, thinking he was caught. "Next time don't go so fast! You nearly killed us!"

Reason for Emigration

It's Soviet Russia, 1978, and Rabinovich is woken up by a knock on the door. Rabinovich: "Who's there?" A firm voice responds: "Post office. Please open." Rabinovich opens the door and is unsurprised to find Two KGB agents standing there. One of them is holding an envelope. KGB officer 1: "Tell us, Comrade Rabinovich, what is the best government system in the world?" Rabinovich: "Why, Communism." KGB officer 2: "And what country has the best living standards?" Rabinovich: "The Soviet Union, of course." Officer 1: "And what constitution is the best at protecting the rights of the citizens?" Rabinovich: "The Soviet Constitution, Comrades." Officer 2: "Then do you mind explaining to us, Comrade Rabinovich, why you have recently filed a request to emigrate to France?" Rabinovich: "Well, I heard that over there, they don't deliver the mail in the middle of the night."

A Less-Than-Perfect Plan

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked: "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

King Solomon Trial

During King Solomon's reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom. The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy. They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, "Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!" The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, "Bring him the sword." The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, "Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!" King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, "The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!" The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, "My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!" "Right!" King Solomon replied, "This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!"

Moon Puns

Tax Quotes

Food Quotes

The Senior Couple and the Travel Agent

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came into his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me... Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Medical Pick Up Lines

The Wife, the Husband and the Genie

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc. The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. The genie smiled and... Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.

Easter Puns

A Telling Conversation...

Marriage is an exciting part of our life. The vows we made on our wedding day really did mean the world to us, and we thought the blessed joy of matrimony would never die. However, once we are married, that thrill does dip - let's be honest about it! The hilarious joke below makes this truth perfectly clear - read it top to bottom. When you're finished - read it bottom to top! Husband: At last! I can hardly wait! Wife: Do you want me to leave? Husband: No! Don't even think that. Wife: Do you love me? Husband: Of course! Always have and always will! Wife: Have you ever cheated on me? Husband: No! Why are you even asking? Wife: Will you kiss me? Husband: Every chance I get! Wife: Will you hit me? Husband: Hell no! Are you crazy?! Wife: Can I trust you? Husband: Yes. Wife: Oh my Darling! This was BEFORE the wedding. To see what happens AFTER the wedding, read from end (bottom) to start (top) ...

Weather Pick Up Lines

Rock Puns