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Christmas Puns

There Once Was a Man...

Three writers, Jack, Eddie, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel. When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs." Now, Jack was a writer of funny stories, Eddie was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Jack would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Eddie would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75. They started to climb the stairs, and Jack started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Eddie and Carl were laughing hysterically. Then Eddie started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Jack and Carl were hugging each other in fear. Then Carl started to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story of all first," he said, smiling nervously, "There once was a man named Carl who left the hotel room key in the car..."

The Saddest Story of All

Three writers, Sam, Pete, and Chuck, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel. When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs." Now, Sam was a writer of funny stories, Pete was a writer of scary stories, and Chuck was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Sam would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Pete would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Chuck would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75. They started to climb the stairs, and Sam started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Pete and Chuck were laughing hysterically. Then Pete started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Sam and Chuck were hugging each other in fear. Then Chuck started to tell sad stories. He stuck his hands in his pockets, thinking. "Ah, I'll tell my saddest story of all first." he said. He coughed nervously. "There once was a man named Chuck, who left the hotel room key in the car..."

Get Out of My Car

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida): An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable!

The Old Lady and the Money Bags

A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake. He calls the woman to halt and approaches her. "Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole". He points out. The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks: "Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?" "Well, you see Mr.Officer," the old lady explains, "I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden." She said, her voice shaking with indignation. "So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'" Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks: "Is the second bag filled with money too?" "Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays."

Werewolf Puns

The Tricky Questions...

Jacob was sitting in the hall of the school, bored out of his mind. Suddenly the teacher walked by and he asked her: "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" The teacher, amused, said "I don't know, how?" Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?" The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there." Then he asked another question: "All the animals went to the tigers birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?" The teacher a bit confused and said "The tiger?" Then the student said "No,the giraffe because he's still in the fridge." Then he asked her just one more question: "If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you?" The teacher then says: "Well. you would walk over the bridge." Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the tiger's birthday party!" She laughs and walks away.

Pun Puns

Toilet Puns

Onion Puns

Soup Puns

Just a Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied. 'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?' 'Darned if I know,' chirped the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!'

Birthday Jokes

Little Johnny and the Hammer

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother, concerned at her boy's tears, asked, "What’s the matter little Johnny?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb bang on with the hammer!" said little Johnny through his tears. His mother was touched by the boy's sensitivity, but didn't like seeing him cry. "That’s not so serious." She tried to soothe him. "Now I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. That's something to laugh about." "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

The Untrained Maid

Around the beginning of the 20th century, a society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit. The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland. They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away. The agency man asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained. Well, the dinner party comes and goes and, although some of the guests seemed to disappear now and then, everything works out just fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just standing there. Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder. There on the bed lies a condom. The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't you?" Molly swallows nervously and says: "Surely we do madam, but we don't skin 'em!"

This Psych Patient Is Just Hanging Around

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his foot. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark?"

Funny Love Quotes

Pilot vs. Pilot

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Impressive?" The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, do you have to say now?" "What did you do?" Asked the confused fighter pilot. "I didn't see anything impressive." The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made plans for a date with a stewardess tonight. Impressive?"

Never Throw Items Out a Plane

There’s a Mexican, an American and a Russian man on a plane. The Mexican says, "I hate my country!" And throws a tin of soup out the window. The American says, "I hate my country!" and throws a pie out the window. The Russian says, "I hate my country!" And throws a bomb out the window. The plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying and asks him "what's wrong kid?" The kid says, "a tin of soup fell on my mom's head and now she’s dead." "I didn't do that!" says the Mexican. The American sees another kid crying and asks her "what's wrong kid?" The kid says, "my mom was driving, and a pie fell on her windshield and she drove off a cliff as she couldn't see!" "I didn't do that!" says the American. Then the Russian gets off the plane and sees a kid laughing his head off. The Russian says, "what's so funny?" The kid says, "Daddy just farted and the house went BOOM!"

The Reformed Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved from Wyoming to Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." Then he smiled. “Hasn't affected my brothers, though."

Two Different Perspectives...

WOMAN’S DIARY 28 July, Saturday 'Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him. I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep. I think he’s planning to leave me. Maybe he’s found someone else...' - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – MAN’S DIARY Saturday 28 July 'My team lost today. What a bummer. At least I got some s*x!'

Corona Virus Jokes

Anti Jokes

A Pope in Heaven

Some decades ago, the Pope had died and arrived at Heaven's Gate. Sitting there, he spots St. Peter and waves at him. The bemused St. Peter asked who he was. The Pope excitedly exclaimed he was the representative of God on Earth. St. Peter seemed confused, as he had seemingly never heard of such a thing before. When the Pope clarified he was the leader of the Catholic Church, St. Peter was intrigued. He decided to take the query to God Himself, walking away to talk with Him through Heaven's Gate. He asks him the same question: was there really someone claiming he was God's representative on Earth? God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (He yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Father, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes, St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

Losing His Last Name

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," the driver replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a mental case on his hands but he has a long shift ahead and he's bored, so he goes along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades." "When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD." "Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD." "Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD." Then the VD took away my dingaling . So now... I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

The Amazing Animal Musical Show

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?" The bartender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it near the piano. It climbed onto the bench and began playing music. The bartender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said, "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?" The bartender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bartender smiled and told the man that he was impressed. A man in a suit with a cane walked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million. The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k. The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left. The bartender couldn't believe the owner just did that and said "Why did you just sell the frog?! There is no singer now!" The owner laughed and said, "Don't worry, the rat is a ventriloquist."

Witch Puns

Mommy, What Were You Doing?

Little Suzie walks in on her parents making love. She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?" "Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out." The little girl starts laughing. "What's so funny hunny?" asks her mother. "You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!"

What's Grandma Doing?

A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. "The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Funny Animal Quotes

The Spying Hotel

A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel. “I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend. "I read online that some hotels do that!" “That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies. The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains. When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc. “Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscrews the disc from the floor. The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room. “You guys must’ve had a good time last night!” the clerk says laughing. Angry and confused, the man asks “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?!” The clerk replies “Well the entire chandelier came down on the floor below you...”

Granny's Day on the Highway

Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lot of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma

Did You Get Drunk?

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" He asked, surprised. "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Romantic Pick Up Lines

How Many Times Must You "Fall"?

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

Bone Puns

Puns

How to Get the Husband Hot and Heavy

Two women are talking about their love life over coffee. "I don't know what to do.." groans Margie, "I'm too shy to ask for it, and he doesn't initiate enough!" "Well," said her friend Sharon, "I have a surefire way to start up my husband." "Oh?" asks Margie, "DO tell!" "Well," smirks Sharon, "I just sit next to him and then I slowly put my hand down his pants and say: "My, aren't you cold in there, could use some heating up... works every time!" "You know what, maybe I'll try that." laughs Margie. They meet up again a few days later and Margie is in a terrible mood. "You almost got me divorced!" she says to Sharon. "WHAT? HOW??" Sharon is astounded. "Well, I did what you said, and I stuck my hand down his pants, but it wasn't cold it was already hot!" "So?" asks Sharon, confused. "Well then I asked my husband why the inside of his pants is hot and not cold like Sharon's husband."

Beach Puns

A Bar, An Empty Glass and Two Audacious Bets

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “You see that glass at the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 that I can pee in it from over here.” The barman agrees to the bet, so the man begins to urinate all over the bar, its patrons and even the barman himself – basically everywhere except in the glass. “Ha!” says the barman. “You owe me $100!” “Wait here,” the man replies, and he walks over to the pool table. Someone hands him some money and they have a laugh together. The man walks back over to the barman and hands him $100. “Thanks,” the barman says, “but what were you laughing about with that dude over there?” The man replies: “Oh, nothing. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”

Gnome Puns

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

A Man Buys a Pig on a Farm

An American man was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."

Quotes

Dad Puns

She Wants Me

A quarrel broke out between a man and a woman while traveling for dinner at a restaurant. They quarreled almost all the way and just before they arrived, the wife said to the husband: "You are very lucky to have me, no other normal woman will want you!". The frustrated husband decided to prove to his wife that she was wrong and find women who would be interested in him already during dinner. The hostess who led them to the table smiled at the husband endlessly, laughed at his jokes and even offered to take his coat, so of course as soon as she left he turned to his wife with a triumphant look on her face. "Don't get too excited, it's just her job and she's married too." "How do you know?" "Because I saw a ring on her finger." A short time later the husband had to go to the bathroom, and on his way back he collided with the chair of a woman sitting alone at a nearby table. He apologized, ordered her a drink at his expense, talked to her for a few moments and sat down with his wife again. "Just so you know, she invited me to sit down for a drink with her!" "Don't get too excited, she's probably half blind." "How do you know?" "Because I saw her enter the restaurant with a walking stick." After a few minutes a waitress went to the table and as she took the order from the couple it was obvious that she was staring at her husband and flirting with him. "Here! You see?!" He said to his wife after the waitress left, "There are normal women who want me!" "Don't be an idiot, she has corona." "How do you know?" "Because if she's interested in you then she has no sense of taste!"

Love Puns

Jesus is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him. It was growling. "The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." said the parrot.

The KGB and the Rabbit

Years ago, the CIA, the Mossad and the KGB were tasked to find a rabbit in a dense forest as a friendly competition between agencies. The CIA, returns with a rabbit in 24 hours, explaining that they'd used an array of satellites pinpointing the location of the rabbit in record time. The Mossad returns with a rabbit in 48 hours, stating that they'd used a network of informants and ground operatives to locate the rabbit with a fraction of the cost. The KGB agents return after 5 days with a giant bear. Surprised and bemused, the other parties laugh and say to the KGB that they were supposed to bring back a rabbit! The KGB agents replied: "This is a rabbit, ask it for yourself if you don't believe us." As they all turn towards the bear. The bear glances at the KGB agents fearfully and says: "I'm a rabbit."

Great Catch - I'll Buy You Dinner

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible. "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

How to Tell Boys and Girls Apart

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls!" she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don't," she added. "Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. "Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" she asked. My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well…" I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?" Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered. She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's ‘cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked." That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole, I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?" I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud. She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it … and I did … she got over her pique. That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

Just Kept Walking

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open-air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. "Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

Fish Puns

Bus Puns

Dog Puns

Stupidity and Foolishness Quotes

The Parrot and the New House

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said: "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thought about this but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung its cage in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"

One Liners for Kids

Wine Puns

Going Under the Speed Limit

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two in the front and 3 in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t going over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?" "Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over." "Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!"

Who is the Bravest Soldier?

During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers. The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that Nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The Russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. He makes it out and crumples to the floor, dead from his many wounds. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” Laughs the Russian general. The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier salutes and says “No disrespect, General, but you've lost your darn mind if you think I'll do that, sir!" “See?" Smiles the general, "Now THAT takes some guts!”

Monster Puns

Just a Beetle...

A rich man just got his brand new Jaguar, equipped with everything. He was whistling to himself, enjoying the ride, when he encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change. While he was waiting, a tiny Beetle also drives up. The rich guy looked at the little car and couldn't help himself, he had to brag. "This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, on-board computer control system, photo-chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, and this, and this..." At this point the Beetle owner interrupted. "That's nice, but do you have a hair blower in there?" The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The rich man in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the car. A few days passed, and the rich man was looking for that Beetle, until he finally found it in another light. He got out of his car and quickly knocked on the other's window. "Yea?" Said the other man impatiently. "I got that hair blower too, now." said the rich man proudly. "Nice," the other man said, "but do you have THIS?" and he shows the rich guy a tiny microwave oven built into the dashboard. "N... no. I have to say I don't." "Well, talk to me when you have a REAL car, then!" and with that, the Beetle takes off. The rich man goes back to the dealership and this time has a special microwave AND an oven put into his car. Once again the Jaguar was at a traffic light when the man spotted the Beetle. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the car. After a few moments, the beetle owner poked his head out. "I installed an oven." said the rich man proudly. "That's nice,' the mini-man responded. "but did you have to interrupt my shower to tell me?"

For the Family

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender approached and told him: "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replied: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained. "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

What Mother Superior Found

The mother superior is very upset. She walks into the dinner room and announces to all the nuns to be quiet and listen. "I was walking around the gardens, as I do." She says in a loud voice, "When I found some disturbing things! For one, I found a man's underpants!" All the nuns are taken aback except for one, who is smiling. "Then, " continues the mother superior, "I found a WOMAN'S underpants!" All the nuns gasp together, except for one, who is giggling. "And if that wasn't enough, I found.... a... a... used condom!" All the nuns gasp, and some turn white, except for one, who is laughing quietly. "And in the condom," finishes mother superior, "was a hole." All the nuns laugh, except for one, who is crying.

Milk Puns

Who Has the Worst Marriage?

Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage. One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!" The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?” The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.” The men laugh. The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!" The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?” The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy." The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.” The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?” The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool...”

Shark Puns

Skeleton Puns

History Puns

Poop Puns

The Old Drunk

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen. The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, saying "I slept with your mother." Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I slept with your mother." Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I slept with your mother." At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling, "That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

You Sure That's What You Want?

A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No - think of another wish." The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

The Same Tattoo

A white guy goes to Jamaica on vacation. On his first day there he goes to a bar. After a few drinks, he goes to the bathroom. As he pees, behind him enters a Jamaican man who walks up next to him and begins to relieve himself as well. The white guy glances unintentionally and notices the Jamaican man has a penis tattoo. Surprised he claims, “hey! I have the SAME penis tattoo as you! Starts with a W and ends with a Y.” The White guy happily shows his tattoo and says “Look, I got ‘Wendy’, for my wife” The Jamaican laughs and replies “Nah mon, they aren’t the same, mine says ‘Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a nice day’!"

The Animal Comedy Competition

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated. The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: A joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you can stay, but if he does not, you are banished. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half. All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came. All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing. He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down... ...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again. It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act. The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went berserk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art. Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away. At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait. It was then than the bison was called. He lumbered up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to fail He hesitated, stuttered, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom. The joke, was it even a joke? was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion. Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?" "What Bison?" replied the tortoise. "I was laughing at the zebra's joke!"

Piano Puns

The Old Lady and the Rubber Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?" "Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." And she didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms."

Funny Self-love Quotes

When Bill Gates Visits Hell

Bill Gates dies and for some reason goes to hell for some reason. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been greedy all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Asmodeus.. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Asmodeus. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!" "What about the PC?" asked Asmodeus. "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which keys?" "Control, Alt and Delete!"

Just a Weeee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby, while cute, had the ugliest face he ever saw. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Murphy's Laws of Computing

Murphy's Laws of Computing: 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Cat Puns

Funny Animal Poems That Rhyme

The Prison Numbers

A man is sent to prison for the first time. The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing. "Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?" "Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it." Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?" "You didn't tell it right."

Color Puns

Being Senior Can Be a Funny Thing...

Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions: Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest! Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. Old printers never die, they're just not the type. Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding. Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip. Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. Old actors never die, they just drop apart. -------------------------------------- Three old guys were out walking. First one said, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!" -------------------------------------- Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

One Liners and Short Jokes

Friendship Quotes

The Dentist and the Viagra

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said. The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected. "I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!" The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills". The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet". The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Just Get Lost, Will You!?

A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door. He says: "Wow, it's dark here!" You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room. The man asks, "What do you want? Here's $10. Leave us alone." A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!" "Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." The boy goes out with $20. The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself." So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!". To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"

Her Italian Vacation

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. “Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?” He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!” When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?” “Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?” “Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for - an Italian girl!” “Oh, that. I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.”

Garden Puns

Never Felt Better

A happy 90-year-old man walked into the doctor's office. He was all smiles and laughed with the nurses and staff, until they brought him in to see the doctor. The doctor examined him and told him he should start eating better, because his health was not in that great a shape. The old man was surprised, he said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." The doctor smiled, "My point exactly."

The Nun and the Fig Leaf

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

The Bank Robbing Couple

Jeff and his girlfriend Jenny decide to become bank-robbers. Jenny does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while Jeff waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught. At trial, the judge condemns Jenny to ten years in prison, while Jeff gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error Jeff will be serving ten years and Jenny only two. Despite of her insistence, Jeff convinces Jenny to keep quiet about it. After two years Jenny gets out and she continues to visit Jeff faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years. Finally, after he does his time, Jeff gets out and is joyfully reunited with Jenny. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage. On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together. The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Jenny why she decided to stick with Jeff while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships. Jenny answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."

Space Puns

Spouse Puns

Water Puns

The Barber and the Strange Client

A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?" Again, the barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?" "To your house."

Two College Students and a Beggar

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money. Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on. Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity. "Why the hell did you do that? You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!" Desmond laughs: "What...and we weren't?"

A Scientific Roast

A philosopher, a mathematician, a chemist and a physicist were at coffee shop. The physicist turns to the chemist sitting next to him and says "You know, chemistry is just applied physics!" They all laugh a bit at the chemist. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all share a laugh at the physicist. At which point, the philosopher interjects, "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder. The mathematician turns to the philosopher and says: "That's funny. Now shut up and bring me the coffee I ordered."

Viking Puns

You Better Not Laugh...

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor. "In front of you?" He asks shyly. The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen a naked human body before. The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body." "Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.” "Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth, it was almost identical to an AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's private parts, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.

The Big Lighter

Two men pause their round of golf to smoke a cigar. One pulls out a matchbox while the other pulls the biggest lighter you've ever seen out of his golf bag and proceeds to light his cigar. The other man stares, laughs and says "Holy moly, that's the biggest lighter I've ever seen! It must be a foot long! That's hysterical. Where did you get it?!" "Well," The first man sighs. "It's a long story." "We have hours ahead of us." Pointed out his golf companion. "Alright, alright." Surrendered the first man. "Thing is, I found a magic lamp while practicing the other day, and the genie gave it to me." The second man is skeptical and laughs, just to have the first man pull an old oil lamp out of his bag. Intrigued, the second man rubs it, and sure enough, a genie pops out and offers a wish. The second man doesn't think twice: "I want a million bucks!" The Genie nods, snaps his fingers, then disappears into a wisp of smoke. For a few minutes... nothing. Then, suddenly, a rumble in the distance. The rumble gets louder and louder, when suddenly the skies darken and a flock of ducks flies over. There are hundreds, no thousands of them! For 10 minutes straight the sun is blocked out, and everyone is holding their ears to protect from the sound of a million ducks quacking. Suddenly, as quickly as it started, it ended. As the sound slowly faded away, and as the last few straggling ducks flew over, the men looked around at all the carnage, duck poop everywhere, golfing gear lying scattered as other golfers ran for cover. Astounded, the second man says "What the hell was that? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" "Yea he's a bit hard of hearing." His friend sighs. "Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"

The Nip Slip in the Swimming Pool

A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom. That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life. When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"