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dog that talks Jokes

dog that talks Jokes and more.

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The Alarming Wives

Two wives finally find some time to have a night out, just the two girls. After a night of happy drinking, they decide to wobble home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee. They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with. So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that. Next day there husbands are talking on the phone, voicing there concerns. "I'm not happy", says one husband, "she came home with no underwear on!" "I hear you" replies second husband in a sad voice. "But if you think that's bad, my wife had a card stuck in the crack of her backside saying, "From all the guys at the fire station, we will all miss you!"

Unicorn Puns

Did You Know That Americans Eat Dogs?

Decades ago, two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"

Crocodile Puns

The Embarassing Talk

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on intercourse. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about intercourse. So he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice." "The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!"

Where On Earth Is My Employee?

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello." "Is your Daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" A muffled giggle answered him. "Me."

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

Hot Dog Puns

The Old Man's Secret

A TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man. They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story: "Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified. I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard. I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice. When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love. In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him." The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life." "Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress... That kind of stuff."

Counting the Engines

It just happens that a long time ago, and for the first time in their lives, two country boys take their first flight from Florida to New York. While they're talking to each other they get interrupted by an announcement from the pilot: "Sorry to disturb you all but I think it's best you know one of our engines has failed. Don't worry we can still make it on 3 engines but there'll be a delay of one hour." So they begin talking again but soon another announcement is heard: "We regret to inform you that our second engine has failed which will mean another delay of an hour but don't worry we'll still make it." So the two grumble a bit but not for long as the pilot's voice is heard again after a few minutes: "Unfortunately our third engine has failed, meaning there'll be a delay of another hour to the journey." One of them turns to his friend and says, "Well darn, if that last engine fails we'll be up here all night!"

Working Late Again

A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work, he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and made love for two hours. Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. A-ha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look at what he did to my breasts!"

Christian Quotes

Halloween Puns

Duck Puns

Dog-Themed Pick Up Lines

Chicken Puns

The Drug Sniffing Dog

man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog. His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat." replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate. The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

Rabbit Puns

Tiger vs. Dog

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about he notices a tiger heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching tiger. Just as the tiger is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man! That was one delicious tiger. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the tiger halts his attack in mid-stride as a look of terror overcomes him and slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the tiger. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So, off he goes. But the dog sees him heading after the tiger with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the tiger. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving dog." Now the dog sees the tiger coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another tiger, and he's still not back!" The tiger ran away.

Puns

Bee Puns

The Talking Clock

Keith was known as a drunk to his friends. One night he was having a housewarming party for his new apartment. While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, Keith led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Observe." said Keith, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For bloody sake, you bastard, it's 2am in the darn morning!!!"

Doggie Nap Time

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Please, may I come with him tomorrow?'

To Each Their Own Car...

Three guys are talking in a bar one day. They start talking about how their cars reflect their careers. The first guy says, "I'm a pimp and so I drive a cheap Escort." The second guy says, "I'm a herpetologist and so I drive a Dodge Viper." The third guy says, "I'm a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe."

Family Puns

Why We Age the Way We Do

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we pull monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

My Dog Ran Out of Petrol

A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk, so she asks her mother whether she can take Lulu for a walk around the block. Her mother says “No, sweetie. Lulu is in heat.” “What does that mean?”, asks the girl. “Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?” says the busy mother. So the girl goes to her father in the garage and asks “I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she’s in heat and to ask you about it.”. The father takes a rag, pours some petrol on it, and then rubs Lulu’s backside with it to disguise the scent. “Now you can take her for a walk”, he says. “Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine”. So the little girl skips happily away with Lula trotting along beside her. A few minutes later she returns with an empty leash, and no Lulu. Concerned, her dad asked “Where’s Lulu, sweetie?” “She ran out of gas halfway around the block," the girl replied, "so the neighbor's dog is giving her a push home.”

The Rabbi and the Poison

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'I'm pretty sure my wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. My advice?' Take the poison.'

Two Cannibals Look For Food

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

A Range of Tests

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead." The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?" The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform." "YES! I have to be absolutely certain." The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!" In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room. "Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!" In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room. "Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!" Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY BI**H YA HUSBANDS FU**IN' DEAD" and walked out of the room. "Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?" A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor. The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all." The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard. "I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out." The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk. The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000." "32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor." The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."

Clothes Pick Up Lines

Meat Puns

God, Adam, Eve, a Dog and a Cat

Adam and Eve said, "Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG. And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created the CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give a darn one way or the other.

Classic Pick Up Lines

Einstein the Nice Jewish Dog

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can't wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor. A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!" Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously.Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey... And you think it's easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it... it's too salty and it gives me gas. It's disgusting I tell you!" The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us." "I know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not fully trained yet. He thought I said kvetch."

Blonde Jokes

Mummy Puns

Blind Man Goes Parachuting

A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go.” “But how do you know when you are going to land?”, he was asked. “Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for your final arrival on the ground?”, he was asked again. “Oh THAT?" He asked, "The dog’s leash goes slack”

God's Frame of Reference

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "How long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To Me, it's a dime." The man then asked, "God, can I have a dime?" "In a minute."

Ancient Rome Puns

Bat Puns

THAT'S a Guard Dog?

A couple decide that they need a guard dog. So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment” The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.” “But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.” The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind. “Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog” “Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!” She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table. The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.” When he brought it home, his wife was very angry. “Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled “Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!” “Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded

Dinosaur Puns

3 Men with 3 Cheating Wives

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives. The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there". The second man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a tool belt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house in years..." The third man says, "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad as I do... My wife is having an affair with... (stops for dramatic effect) a horse!" The two other man both look at him with a confused look and demand an explanation. Has he gone insane?! Has she?! What the heck was he talking about? The third man lies back and says: "It's very simple, boys, when I got home last night, I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe."

Is That You?

Wife and husband are sitting together sipping wine and watching a movie. The Wife suddenly whispers: "I Love You..." Husband: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Wife: "It's me, talking to the wine."

The Vet's Bill

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with an old dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Typical Day at the Farm

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!". The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

The Cruel King and His Dogs

There once was a cruel king who enjoyed executing whoever he pleased. A minister once gave him wrong advice the king decided to have him killed. He ordered that the minister to be thrown to the ravenous and vicious guard dogs. The minister said, "I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do THIS?" The king was without mercy. The Minister fell on his knees pleaded, "Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs." The king thought about it, weighed his curiosity vs. his blood lust, and finally agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to feed the dogs for the next 10 days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comforts for them. When the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced. When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The ferocious dogs were wagging their tails, playing with the condemned minister and even licking his feet. The king was baffled at what he saw. "What happened to the my vicious dogs?!" He growled. The minister then said, "I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn't forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all of it at my first mistake!" The King then realized his own great mistake. The next day, he replaced the dogs with crocodiles.

Father, It's About My Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years. When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in - maybe they'll do something for your pet." Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?" "Wait, wait..." said the Priest hurriedly, "you didn't tell me the dog was Catholic!"

One Liners for Kids

Werewolf Puns

2 Muffins in an Oven...

There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Boy, it's hot in here." The other muffin says, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN."

An Old Cowboy Goes to Starbucks

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Calling the CEO

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!" It turns out that he didn't dial the pantry at all. The voice from the other side responded: "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee pauses for a moment to think about an appropriate response. He shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No," replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

An Elderly Miami Man Calls His Kids

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

Summer Puns

Explorer Gives Talk In Seaside Town

A famous British explorer was invited to a seaside town to give a talk about his adventures in the African jungle. “Can you imagine a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryos of a certain bird and slices of the belly of a certain animal?” the explorer asked the assembled audience. Its members gasped and looked around at each other in horror. “They also grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear the result with a greasy mess that’s extracted from the mammary fluid of certain other animals,” the explorer continued. “Utterly barbaric! How can people live like that?” said a shocked individual. “All I’ve described is a breakfast of bacon, eggs and buttered toast, sir!” retorted the explorer. Moral of the story: Don't be quick to judge cultures before you understand your own!

It Is SO COLD THAT...

How cold IS IT? It's so cold THAT... The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe. Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets. You have to break the smoke off your chimney. You have to open the fridge to heat the house. Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass. Police tell a robber to freeze, and he really does. Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about. People look forward to getting a fever Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office. We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins Lady Liberty put her torch inside her dress! Prisoners are begging for the electric chair. Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region. Roosters are rushing into KFC and begging to use the pressure cooker! A streaker froze in mid-streak! I chipped my tooth on my soup. Dunkin' Donuts is serving coffee on a stick. The local flasher was seen describing himself to three different women this morning. We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm. I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket. I'm drinking hot sauce instead of coffee. Ice cubes are coming out of my faucet. Trees are chopping themselves into firewood. Cops are tasing themselves. I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside. The ice cubes in my drink have goose bumps. When all is said and done, I'm really thankful for the HOT FLASHES!

I Swear, He Can Talk!

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office. "All right, lets make this quick, I have things to do. Says the bored agent. "What's your talent?" The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!" "Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out." "No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?" "Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail. "Listen, pal..." says the agent. "Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "How does sandpaper feel?" "Rough!" exclaims the dog. "Quit wasting my time and get out of here." sighs the agent. "One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?" "Ruth!" barked the dog. The man turns to the agent with a bright smile. "Okay, that's it!" says the agent. He gets up and forces the man and the dog out the door. Turning to the man, the dogs sighs and says: "Joe Dimaggio?"

Medical Pick Up Lines

Use These Words Creatively

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?” “Ummm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."

A Very Clever Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" "Genius, my butt - It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

Funny Animal Quotes

With Age Comes Wisdom

A 75 year old woman had one hobby - she loved to fish. She was sitting in his boat the other day when she heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' she looked around and couldn't see anyone. She thought she was dreaming when she heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up!' She looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The woman said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful man you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your groom!' The woman looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in her shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful husband.' She opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' With age - comes wisdom!

Christmas Puns

Clever Jokes

Bathroom Puns

The Brother, the Sister, and the Hot Dogs

A country boy who lived his whole life in the village gets permission on his 16th birthday to go visit his older sister in New York. What the family doesn't know is that the daughter is a "working girl" and she was really scared that her brother, coming to stay with her, will figure it out. So when he comes over and asks her what she does, she said: "Oh, this is New York, I sell hotdogs." "Oh WOW!" Her brother said excitedly. "I LOVE hotdogs and I heard New York has the best, can I come with you tomorrow to work and get a free one? Please??" The sister, appalled, said she would be ever so busy, and she was sorry but no. She'll bring him some when she comes back. Her brother, a little sullen at the news, hatched a plan. When the sister left the following afternoon, he walked behind her, following her until she came to a big house and disappeared inside. It seemed a bit of a weird place for her work but he followed her in, and there was greeted by a beautiful woman, wearing very little. "Hi there handsome," she purred at him. "Come to satisfy your "appetite"? "I sure did!" Said the boy enthusiastically. "Wonderful," smiled the woman, "how do you like it? Standing up or lying down?" "Well," said the boy, "I'd rather have it in a bun."

What Can Else Can You Do?

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Too much Facebooking

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I had done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday. I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

Kangaroo Puns

Giant Puns

Don't Talk About My Grandma Like That!

Three biker buddies are sitting in a bar. A man, who’s already heavily intoxicated, walks in, sits down and orders a drink. The man looks around and sees the three bikers sitting at a table in a corner of the bar. He gets up, staggers over to their table, and leans over it. Looking the biggest of the three men in the eye, the drunk man says: “I went by your grandma’s house and saw her completely naked in the hallway. Man, she’s fine!” The biker looks at the drunk man and doesn’t say anything. His buddies look confused because people have had their faces kicked in for saying less than that to him in the past. Leaning against the table once more, the drunk man says: “I got it on with your grandma too. She’s the best I ever had!” Still no response is received from the biker, however, his buddies are now starting to get angry. The drunk man continues: “I’ll tell you something else too – your grandma loved it!” At long last, the biker stands up and says: “Dammit Grandpa, you’re drunk! Just go home!”

Animal Heaven

Three house pets - a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat - all die and go to heaven. As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven. God turns to the dog and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?" The dog says "I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owner's family for many years." God smiles. "Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand." He then turns to the parakeet. "What do you believe in?" "I believe in color, flamboyance, and music," the parakeet says. "For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner's house with song." "Your beauty is truly magnificent," God says. "And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left." God finally turns to the house cat. "And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?" The cat lazily surveys God's throne and says, "I believe you are in my seat."

Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

Note: We love both dogs and cats, this is just in jest! 1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. 2. Cats look silly on a leash. 3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. 8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. 9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain. 10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

The Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing anything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The counter-tops have been cleaned and the appliances are sparkling. Even the floor was waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted and the pillows on the sofa plumped. It even watered the plants. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later…no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede! He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? S o he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter??!!” “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just putting’ on my shoes!”

Cat Puns

A Blond Changes Hair Color

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

The Machine Doctor

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you're having. It only costs $20.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks. During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water has too much waste in it. Your dog has ringworms. Your teenage daughter is pregnant. Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months. Also, your car needs a new radiator. And you wonder why you have a headache?

Does Your Dog Bite?

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?” The shopkeeper says, “No, he doesn’t bite.” The man then tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. “Ouch,” says the man, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” “That’s not my dog."

Music Puns

A Few Drinks

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard. The driver says, "That is great. My wife and I do that every night." The passenger replies, "My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.” The driver says, "Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set." The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks, "How was it?" The passenger answers, "It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks." The driver looks at him funny and says, "TEN drinks?" The passenger says, "Yea, after two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"

Rejection Pick Up Lines

Tiger Puns

Never Remarry

Lucy and Debra were having one of their chats during one of their regular Thursday outings to play some chess, talk and get some good coffee. At one point, Lucy sighed and said, “You know, Debra , if something every happened to my Paul, I don’t think I could ever marry again.” Debra nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough for me too.”

The Talking Dog and the Bartender

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!" "No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Gizmo here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink?" asks the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards." "Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Gizmo going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Gizmo! What are you doing! You've never done this before!" The dog shrugged. "Well, I've never had any money before."

Tea Puns

Book Puns

Math Puns

Turkey Puns

A Less-Than-Perfect Plan

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked: "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

The Special Animal Program

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he begins thinking about his dire situation. He hatches a plan. He calls home. "Dad," he says to his father, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000," the son says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" Read!?" says his father, taken aback. "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he ponders his problem, again and again, he comes up with a plan. He finds the dog a new home and gives him away to a loving family. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to talk to him!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, as he usually does. Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'" The father went white, then red, then exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks that trash to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

The Vacation Plans

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther: "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" "I'm taking Earlene with me."

How Much Does He Charge?

A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door... A boy, about 8, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy. “No, they went into town,” the boy replied. “Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked. “No, he went with mom and dad,” the boy said. The man stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says: “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The man said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my sister pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said: “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

Dog Puns

An Animal Game of Poker

In a part of Las Vegas humans don't know about, a group of animals are playing cards in Las Vegas... and arguing. Lion: "Stop taking glances at my card, you're a cheetah!" Cheetah: "No, you're a Lion!" Warthog: "You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices." Elephant: "Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGING all the wings!" Warthog: "Tell that to the dude who thinks eating them will make him fly." Ostrich: "You can't talk, you snort off of the table. Also, will we just ignore the fact that one guy ate all the bananas?" Monkey: "Give me a break, I can't even get dinner protein after they fixed all the bugs in the slot machines." Giraffe: "Why don't you just steal leftovers from random plates like I do? You just lean over." The Dog at the table looks at all of them and rolls his eyes. "Ugh, I knew I should have played with my usual crowd!"

The Tiny Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer and discovered to his horror that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." "You're probably right," The girl replied thoughtfully, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

If You Can't Count On Family

Joshua calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is a holiday. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the holiday meal. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Joshua receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there!" Joshua promises. After hanging up from his daughter, he turns to his wife and says, "You were right! They're coming, and we don't even have to pay our half of the tickets!"

The Years We Have

When God created the dog, he said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years." The dog replied: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw that it was good. When God created the monkey, he said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again, saw that it was good. When God created the cow he said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long, work under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was very good. When God created man, he said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty plus the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? That makes eighty years, okay?" God agreed. And that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we look like a wizened monkey and do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Using Cold Water to Clean the Dishes

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied: 'They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said: 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled: 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: 'Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me!?!'

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