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The New Circus Performer

A circus manager is busy tiding is office when a scrawny little guy walks in the door. He walks over to the manager, and he says "Are you the boss here?" The manager says "Yeah. What do you want?" He says "I'd like to join the circus. I got an act." The guy says "Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is." So this little guy goes over to the center pole, and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top. And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath, and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms. And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes. Then he gets all the way up, and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground, flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And he says "Well, what do ya think?" "That's all you do? Says the boss disdainfully, "Bird imitations?"

The Overcrowded Bus

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus."

How to Get Permission

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who was staring at them like they had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or intercourse?" She said, "Don't forget your hat."'

Phone Puns

The Action Hero Meeting

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch. They are meeting to discuss Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun." "Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'll conduct a symphony of pain!" "Sweet," says Stallone. "Well, Arnie? What about you? Who're you going to be?" Schwarzenegger thinks about this for a long moment, nods his head and says: "I'll be *Bach.*"

The Art of Discretion

Six retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse. During an especially high-stake game, a member of the group, Ron, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table from a heart attack. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up. Abraham looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards, and Saul "wins" the dubious honor. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name," he says. Leave it to me." Saul goes over to the Meiers' apartment and knocks on the door. Ron's wife answers the door. "Yes? What do you want, Saul? And where's my good-for-nothing husband?" She asks. Saul gulps. "Ron just lost $5,000 playing poker," He says, "and is afraid to come home." "WHAT?!?" Screams the wife in disbelief. "Tell him to drop dead!" "Can do!"

Furniture Puns

Owl Puns

Frog Puns

If You're Outdoors, Wear a Bell Please

"Important Announcement: In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

River Puns

The Husband Test

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary and bleary eyes, she read: I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread."

Chuck Norris Jokes

Stevie Wonder's Golf Game

A famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus, is sitting in a bar drinking with Stevie Wonder. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf?" Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." says Stevie. "You... you play golf!?" asks a dumbfound Jack. Stevie says, "Sure, I've been playing for years." "But... forgive me," Says a baffled Nicklaus. "I thought you were blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?" Stevie Wonder smiles. "No offense taken. It's an understandable question. What I do is I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." He explains. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wonders. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." "And what is your handicap?" Jack asks. "I play off scratch." Stevie assures him. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is fine with me."

The Mystery Woman at the Bar

This bachelor goes into a bar and notices a major hottie, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. Despite his best game, the bachelor couldn't achieve any progress with her. "No thank you," she would always say." The man was determined, this cutie was worth giving up the game. They had an instant connection, but things never got past the formalities! At the end of the night he finally caved. "Why won't you come home with me?" he whined to her. The woman said: "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "Wow, that must be rather difficult." the bachelor said. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But it has my husband pretty upset."

For the Family

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender approached and told him: "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replied: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained. "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

An Old Husband and Wife Discuss Golf

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife. "Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife. "But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball." his wife pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

The Politician and the Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the politician . "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable." The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Of course! Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

Using Cold Water to Clean the Dishes

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied: 'They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said: 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled: 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: 'Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me!?!'

Bread Puns

Christmas Puns

The Genie, the Waterfall and Their Last Wish

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies. The American steps up first. "I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra and a gospel choir." "It will be done." says the genie. The Japanese goes next. "I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends." "It will be done." says the genie. The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear 'Just send me over the waterfall before the bloody song starts and the food gets here."

Theater Puns

Volleyball Puns

The Three Couples and Their Honeymoon

Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons. The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to make love to her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."

Corn Puns

Pizza Puns

Monster Puns

How to Turn a Nice Profit

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." "No," she says. "I just want to sleep." He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks. She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks. He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?" She hands him 5 dollars.

Science Puns

There's No Joke Like a Senior Joke!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over. -------------------------- I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'! -------------------------- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. -------------------------- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat until the wrinkles fill out. -------------------------- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license! -------------------------- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''

Jose the Tourist

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he saved his money and went on a trip. He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and shouted to me: "Jose, can you see?"

Toucan Puns

Three Paralympian Swimmers Go Head-to-Head

Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games. The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block. The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in. They go at it like crazy and finally, the guy with no legs reaches the finish line. Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water. He dives and grabs the head that was underwater. The head coughs some water and says: "I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start some idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me!"

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

The Police Interview

A blonde walks into the police department. "What can I do you for?" asks the police officer on duty. "I'd like to join the police!" She says. Amused and bored, the officer decides to "interview" her and ask a few questions: "What’s 2+2?" She replied, “4”. "What’s the square root of 100?" She answered, “10” "Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Puzzled, she responds, “hmmm, I don’t know...” The officer smiles and tells her to go home and think about it. The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job. She responds excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”

The Most Amazing Story

A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood." The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman. "And that, your honor, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room."

A Closeted Conundrum

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work... Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Fine, fine, just be quiet." A few weeks later the husband arrives early again. The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time. He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him. "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover sighs. "How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest sighs, "Please don't you start that again."

Golfing With the Wife and the Doctor

A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He's never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out. All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it's taking... They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack! "Help me," he groans to his wife. The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt. Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the wife calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" he asks feebly. "No time at all," says his wife. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

You're a WHAT?

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with a patronizing smirk and asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah?' said the cop, already starting to write up the report. 'What do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stopped. Then lifted his head: 'A WHAT? 'A Rectum Stretcher!' ''Are you playing games with me? ' 'Not at all, officer." said the woman seriously. 'I take pride in my work.' 'And just what does a.. a rectum stretcher do?' The officer asked. 'Look,' she sighs, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'

Spotify Pick Up Lines

Playing in Detroit

A coach for the Detroit Lions was looking for the perfect quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Syria. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Syrian Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! “I’ve got to get this guy!” The coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!” So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Syrian is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!” “I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!” “I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.” “No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

Dream Envy

Two mental patients, Jim and Neil, are sitting and playing checkers in the game room. Jim says: "Wow don't ask what a terrible dream I had yesterday! I am in New York, get on the train on the way to you to Boston, fall asleep, and arrive in Chicago! Get on the train from Chicago to Boston, fall asleep again, and wake up in New York! It was back and forth like that all night long!" Neil laughs and tells him: "I had an amazing dream yesterday, and I met a beautiful, famous woman." Jim gets excited, asking, "Who?" Neil answers him: "Beyoncé! And what is she telling me? 'Can I come in to warm up?'" "Well, so what did you say?" Jim asks. "I said to her, 'Why not? Let's have some fun! She went in, took off her clothes, went into the shower and came out with a towel to hug me on the couch " "Wow, what a dream..." says Jim with a hint of envy. "Wait, that's not all," adds the other, "the second we sit down, another knock on the door. I open it, and who's standing in the entrance, wet from the rain?" "Well, who?" asks Jim enthusiastically, "Scarlett Johansson! She also wants to go in to warm up! She goes in, takes off her clothes, takes a shower and comes to warm up with us on a sofa. And all night I'm thinking what the heck am I going to do with TWO of them?" "What kind of friend are you?" complains Jim "Couldn't you have called me? Isn't one beautiful, famous girl enough for you?" "You think I didn't try?" Shouts Neil, suddenly upset. "I called you all night, but you? New York to Chicago, Chicago to New York, New York to Chicago..."

Blonde vs. Lawyer

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

How to Use Timbuktu!

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

Crocodile Puns

The Religious Tennis Match

A bishop and a bishop are having a tennis match. The bishop is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the priest who is clearly better. After a volley from the priest, the bishop misses and yells: “God*amn it! I missed!”, startling the priest. He lets it slip and the match continues. But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the priest, the bishop misses and again yells: “God*amn it! I missed!” “Stop it” yells the priest. “You can’t use the Lords name in vain like that!” The bishop apologizes. “I’m sorry, my son. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.” “Fair enough.” grumbles the priest, and the match continues. It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the bishop misses and slips again, shouting “God*amn it! I missed!” Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the ball midair. A thundering voice emits from the skies... “Da*n it! I missed!”

The Lord's Hunter

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river. A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish. One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded. Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season. "Godda**it," the hunter muttered. Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air! No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth. As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden. Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak. "Whoa." Then, from above him, a voice boomed: ”YOU'RE WELCOME."

Chicken Puns

The Reformed Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved from Wyoming to Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." Then he smiled. “Hasn't affected my brothers, though."

Ghoul Puns

Christian Pick Up Lines

Little Johnny and the Guessing Game

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess what it is. This one is round and red." Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. The teacher knew him to be a troublemaker. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "No." Said the teacher with a smile. "it's an apple, but i like the way you think! The next one is oval shaped and green." The teacher ignored Little Johnny's eagerly raised hand again as a boy said, "It's an Iguana miss!" "No, it's a kiwi, but i like the way you think Billy." Little Johnny couldn't help himself anymore and said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red knob." "Johnny, that's disgusting!" shouted the teacher in anger. "Nah, " Said Little Johnny. "It's a match, but i like the way you think."

Troll Puns

A Sporting Spirit

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Water Sports Pick Up Lines

Going to Hooters

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." “Okay, let’s give it a try."

Turkey Puns

Tea Puns

I Don't Know Where to Put It

A young virgin couple is finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

The Baseball Buddies

Sam and Dean were the best of friends as well as two of the biggest baseball fans the world has ever seen. All of their lives, Sam and Dean would talk about baseball. They went to all the games they could get to. They even made a pact, as kids, that when one of them dies - the other will return to tell him if heaven has baseball games. One night, after watching a Yankee victory, Sam happily dies. A few nights later, his buddy Dean wakes up to a familiar sound - it's Sam, and he's talking to him from beyond. "Sam, is that you?" Asks Dean. "Sure is, buddy!" replies Sam. "Wow this is amazing!" exclaims Dean. "So, please tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," answers Sam. "I have some good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?" "Give me the good news first." "Ok, well the good news is that the answer is yes, there is baseball in heaven." "That's incredible! So what's the bad news, then?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."

Yoga Pick Up Lines

An Excellent New Soldier

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Crow Puns

Irish Puns

Swimming Puns

Football Puns

Spider Puns

Little Johnny's Spelling

I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day. I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun. So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair. That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of liquid that you can access through a crack. Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious. He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't. Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters , N, U, C and T. My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!

Getting Out Early

Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waves goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy. They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back. A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.” Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.” Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.” Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.” Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.” The guys all agree Rick was right and continue to work ridiculous hours for the next week. One day at lunch Andy pipes up again. Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.” Joe: “I know man. I missed last night's episode of my favorite show, and now I have to avoid everyone who watched it.” Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.” Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.” Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early, we will fall behind even more than we already are.” Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus, we will get caught and could lose our jobs.” Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.” Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.” Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?” Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement. Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?” Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick, your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.” Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.” Joe: “So we're doing it? We're all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?” Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.” The three guys go back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave. Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team. All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day. The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work. Joe, all eager from binge watching his favorite shows, asked the other guys, “So how were your nights off??” Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.” Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.” Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?” Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I see Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely won't be skipping out early again boys!”

The Ex-Jewish Rabbit

So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives. His friend says, "Please come back to us." The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore." His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!" Almost dropping his cup due to the tugging, the rabbit rights himself and says, "You almost made me break my favorite cup! Please leave!" His friend angrily storms off. The rabbit's wife comes out and says, "What was that about?" The rabbit says, "My friend wanted me to lead the community at the synagogue again, but I would've had to drop the tea."

Chess Puns

Baseball Pick Up Lines

The Best Senior Games

Lately there has been talk about inventing some more fun games for seniors. After all, we're the ones with all the free time! Some suggestions: Sag, You’re it. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. Questions Shouted into your Good Ear. Kick the Bucket. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over. Doc, Doc Goose. Simon Says Something Incoherent. Hide and Go Pee Spin the Bottle of Mylanta and last but not least - A Fun round of Musical Recliners!

Rabbit Puns

10 Long Years

A man travels on a ship. Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it's so unknown that no ship ever comes near it. 10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. No ship has ever come. As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet-suit. She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes. She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim. The look of the poor man makes her feel a great wave of pity for him. “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man. “It’s been 10 years,” he replies. With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. “Man, that is good!” he says, sighing in pleasure. “And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks. Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years. Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask. The man opens it and takes a swig. “This is the best day of my life,” he says, grinning. The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit and looks at the man seductively. “Now, how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she asks seductively. With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs. “Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a game of twister in there!”

Baseball Puns

The Asylum Breakout

Two men are in a lunatic asylum and one night, they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! They get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight to freedom. The first man jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn’t dare make the leap, afraid of falling. So then, the first man has an idea… He says, 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' The second man immediately spots the problem with this and shakes his head. ' "What do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!"

The Secure Bench

A new general was allotted to a new army base. After some time in the base he realized how there were two army men guarding an empty bench in shifts. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been a tradition here since joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through the past generals of that base till he found the one that was in charge 35 years ago. He attempted to find him, and found that he had retired and he lived in the countryside now. He contacted him and requested to meet. On the day of the meeting the general asked the retired commander why that bench was guarded so much. The commander was shocked. “So you’re telling me the paint on that bench hasn’t dried yet?!”

Phone Number Pick Up Lines

Band Puns

Those Mourning Words

Three buddies are out driving around in a sports car. It's all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection. Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly. Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!!'"

A Less-Than-Perfect Plan

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked: "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

15 Minutes Late

A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round. She says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse. Finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "Well I'm ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, "What if it's pointing straight up?" "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

Forgiveness Is a Tricky Thing

Fred was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (George) approached and asked if he could join him. Fred said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. George said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" Fred said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed. George easily won the remaining 16 holes. They walked off number eighteen while George counted his $80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and “liked to pick on suckers.” Fred, shocked, revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic and offered to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings." The embarrassed pro asked, "Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.”

The American Game

A man’s relatives from Mexico came to visit for the first time, and he wanted to give them a true American experience. He decided to take them to a football game. Unfortunately, by the time they got to the stadium, the only seats left were in the nosebleeds, partially blocked by a giant support column. The man was embarrassed. He apologized to his uncle and said, "I'm so sorry the seats aren’t better. We can hardly see the field from here." But his uncle waved him off and said, "Don’t worry about it! I’m just happy to be here." The game started, and the man noticed his uncle was incredibly cheerful, even more so than he expected. He clapped along, cheered loudly, and had a smile plastered across his face the entire time. After the game ended, the man couldn’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Uncle, I’m so glad you had a good time, but tell me, why were you so happy? We could barely see the game!” His uncle beamed and said, “Well, I was so touched by how nice everyone is in America! The entire stadium stood up and asked, ‘Jose, can you see?’

Driving Quotes

Music Jokes

Ant Puns

A Game of Weighing

Frank takes his blind date, Heather, to an amusement park. Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on. "What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather. So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, "you weigh 128 pounds?" "You are two pounds off," replies Heather. She steps on the scale, and sure enough, she weighs 130 pounds. After Frank and Heather ride the Ferris wheel, Frank asks, "What do you want to do next?" "I want to get weighed," replies Heather. "But you already did. Twice." "No I didn't." "Yes you did." "No I didn't." So Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser a third time. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, remembering what she had weighed the first two times, "you weigh 130 pounds?" Heather steps on the scale, and sure enough, she still weighs 130 pounds. Now this goes on for a while. Frank always suggests to go on a different ride, and Heather always says, "I want to get weighed." After much arguing, Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser over and over. Both Frank and the weight guesser become very annoyed. Finally, the blind date is over. Frank takes Heather home to her roommate, Lisa. "How was your date?" asks Lisa. "Oh, Wisa," says Heather, "it was wame and wousy."

Canadian Girls in Australia

A couple of pretty gals from Canada decide to travel to Australia over the winter to get a break from 40 below, ice and snow. They're sitting at a club in Perth, enjoying the sunshine and sipping on a cold drink. Two of the local lads see them and one says "Hey, why don't you ask those pretty ladies over to join us?" "My pleasure!" Hos buddy says and walks over to them saying, "G'day, ladies, haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?" One of the women looks up with a big smile and proudly says "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan!" He looks at them, blinks a couple of times and walks away. He goes back to his buddy who says "Are the ladies coming over, or should we join them over there?" His friend replies "Nah. They don't speak any English."

An Animal Game of Poker

In a part of Las Vegas humans don't know about, a group of animals are playing cards in Las Vegas... and arguing. Lion: "Stop taking glances at my card, you're a cheetah!" Cheetah: "No, you're a Lion!" Warthog: "You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices." Elephant: "Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGING all the wings!" Warthog: "Tell that to the dude who thinks eating them will make him fly." Ostrich: "You can't talk, you snort off of the table. Also, will we just ignore the fact that one guy ate all the bananas?" Monkey: "Give me a break, I can't even get dinner protein after they fixed all the bugs in the slot machines." Giraffe: "Why don't you just steal leftovers from random plates like I do? You just lean over." The Dog at the table looks at all of them and rolls his eyes. "Ugh, I knew I should have played with my usual crowd!"

The Lost Thesaurus

A man loses his thesaurus, which he uses all the time. He searches all over his house for it. He’s double-checked everywhere, but he just can’t find it. Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members. His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first. Man: "Did you take my thesaurus?" Daughter: "I didn’t take your thesaurus, I was just reading my favorite book. Maybe ask my brother? He always tries to reach into high cabinets, so he might have taken it to stand on." So the man goes off and to look for his son. He finds his son sitting on the couch, playing video games. Man: "Did you take my thesaurus?" Son: "Of course not, I hate reading. Ask mom, she might have it." So the man looks for his wife, but she isn’t home. He starts getting really frustrated. He goes to the stables to search for her. He goes in but there's just their horse standing there.The man, frustrated, decides to amuse himself. "I don't suppose YOU know where my thesaurus is, right?" "No." Says the horse. He looks at the horse in shock. Horse: "I mean... Neighhhh!"

The Arrogant Professor

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man. Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?” The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?” The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior. To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him. “If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!” “No.” “Five dollars!” “No.” “Ten dollars!” “I told you, no.” Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!” The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees. “Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose. The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?” The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description. After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. Grumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100. He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?” The old man smiles and says: “I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar."

Orange Puns

Parrot Puns

The Golfer and the Grateful Leprechaun

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got ol' Paddy here fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And then he just walks off. "Wow, what a nice guy!" the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic love life." A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer says cheerfully. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer love life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm just wanting to know if I did a good job here. How many times a week do ya do the deed?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Music Puns

The Special Golf Ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" "I found it."

Calling the CEO

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!" It turns out that he didn't dial the pantry at all. The voice from the other side responded: "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee pauses for a moment to think about an appropriate response. He shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No," replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

Computer Puns

The Game Show Contestant

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are is the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

Computer Jokes

Romantic Pick Up Lines

Working at The Circus

So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”. Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the heck. I’m pretty talented.” and calls the circus. A lady answers him. “Hello,” she says. “Hi, is this the circus?” “Yes.” “I’ve heard you’re hiring.” “You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?” “Alex.” “Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?” “Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.” “O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...” “No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!” “Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...” “No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!” “...” “...” “Goodbye, sir.” She hangs up the phone. Alex sits there for a few seconds before he realizes he forgot something. “Oh darn, I forgot to tell her I’m a horse.”

Just a Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied. 'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?' 'Darned if I know,' chirped the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!'

Sky Puns

Elf Puns