At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.