When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve